I wouldn’t label myself as bisexual, mainly because I prefer to avoid labels, but there have definitely been moments when I’ve felt attraction towards both men and women. Honestly, the idea of a threesome with a man and a woman had been on my sexual bucket list since I became sexually active. Perhaps it’s because I can only enjoy porn if it’s lesbian-themed, which sparked my interest in being intimate with another woman. Or maybe I was just more comfortable with the thought of a mixed-gender threesome, as the idea of two men felt overwhelming to me—though I have no judgment if that’s your thing!
Little did I know that I’m not a fan of threesomes at all, and I learned this lesson the hard way during a rather disastrous experience over five years ago.
It all started on a Saturday night when I had indulged in a bit too much drinking with some coworkers (definitely not my best choice). My boyfriend was at home, also enjoying some drinks with friends while binge-watching a new HBO series. As I made my way to his place, a coworker who had been staying over hinted at the possibility of a threesome. Fueled by liquid courage, I boldly asked her, “So, would you be interested in a threesome?”
I knew she identified as bisexual, and I was curious enough, but I felt nervous about how she would respond. I wanted to ensure she understood this was purely for fun and that I valued our working relationship. However, the alcohol gave me the confidence to just go for it.
To my surprise, she was enthusiastic about the idea and asked, “How about tonight?”
Okay, then!
We stumbled over to my boyfriend’s house, where he had just fallen into a deep sleep after a long night of drinking. Although we had discussed the idea of a threesome before, we had never acted on it. Still, I felt confident that he’d be on board with the right person.
As I tiptoed upstairs, I woke him with my bold proposal: “Hey, babe. Want to have a threesome?”
Clearly, he had higher standards than I anticipated, as his first question was, “With who?”
I told him it was my coworker, and he seemed intrigued. I dashed downstairs to grab some water and inform her that it was a go. He pulled out a box of condoms, and we headed to the bedroom.
To be honest, I was so inebriated that I can’t even recall how things started. All I know is that it began, it happened, and it was nothing like I had imagined.
Maybe it was because I prefer a more dominant role in the bedroom, and both of them gave me the reins out of respect. It could have been that while she was being intimate with my boyfriend, I sat there thinking, “What in the world do I do with my hands? I guess I’ll just take care of myself… literally.”
Or perhaps it was simply that threesomes weren’t what I thought they’d be. I’ve been with women before, but this experience was entirely different. Even with the alcohol, it felt so strange. I’m not shy in bed; if something funny happens, I laugh. I talk when I want to, and I’m not one to fake an orgasm.
But this coworker, as lovely as she was at work, was just a bit too much in the bedroom. As she reached a climax, she started screaming, “I’M GONNA SQUIRT! I’M GONNA SQUIRT!” Now, I’ve only squirted once in my life and found it quite alarming. I ended up bursting into laughter, which wasn’t the response she expected.
Then, she cranked it up a notch, yelling, “OHHH YEAHHH! SMACK IT! SMACK IT! SMACK IT!” I timidly lifted my fingers to tap her between the legs. Thankfully, she started laughing too, and soon my boyfriend joined in. We were all naked and giggling, and it became clear that this threesome had run its course.
We decided to head downstairs for a quick meal, shared it, and then went our separate ways for the night—she stayed downstairs while we went to bed upstairs.
And that was the end of my threesome experience. I learned my lesson: threesomes are not for me.
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Summary:
The author reflects on a past experience with a threesome that didn’t meet her expectations. What was supposed to be a fun adventure turned into a comedic mishap, leading her to conclude that threesomes are not for her. She offers insights into the experience and suggests helpful resources for those exploring their sexual or parenting options.
Keyphrase: Threesome experience
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]