When I had my first child, I never questioned my ability to be a nurturing mother. My son was my constant companion; we shared our days in perfect harmony. Every evening, I rocked him to sleep, fully confident that I was meeting all his needs. He was calm, kind, and intelligent, and I credited my parenting skills for those traits.
However, when I became pregnant again, I imagined I could replicate that same bond with my second child. I felt prepared to handle two kids, thinking that by applying the same approach I had used with my first, I could ensure everything was fair and square.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that parenting two children is a completely different experience. My second son, while equally smart and wonderful, came with his own distinct set of needs right from birth. This revelation taught me an essential lesson: seeking equality in my relationships with my children was unnecessary, overly stressful, and ultimately unhelpful.
Of course, my partner and I recognize that children often cling to the idea of fairness at certain ages. We strive to keep some small aspects equal: everyone gets the same number of hugs and kisses, roughly the same amount of gifts during the holidays, and they alternate choosing the restaurant for their birthdays. We even make them share the last cookie. We are not denying them the reality that life isn’t always fair, but we don’t prioritize equality in our parenting choices.
Each child has unique requirements for time, energy, resources, and guidance to flourish. I’ve accepted that we will never achieve a perfect balance, and that’s perfectly okay with me.
Before becoming a parent, I was convinced I had a clear understanding of what children required. I read countless parenting books and took expert advice at face value, as if every child followed the same blueprint for happiness and success. If only it were that simple—most parents eventually realize that raising children is far more complex than any formula.
For instance, I once believed that children “needed” equal one-on-one time with each parent to feel special. We tried that approach, only to discover that my eldest preferred family time over solitary activities. Despite opportunities for individual outings, he always opted to include everyone. This made him feel secure and connected.
On the other hand, my younger son craves that one-on-one attention and thrives with individual outings, like a quick trip with just his dad for breakfast. If I fixated on equality in our time together, I would only be addressing one child’s needs, not both. Instead, I focus on ensuring each child feels acknowledged and valued in ways that resonate with them individually. It’s not about equal treatment; it’s about equitable support.
I’ve stopped keeping score. Emphasizing strict equality doesn’t benefit our children long-term. It’s essential for them to understand that life isn’t about everyone receiving the same thing; it’s about meeting individual needs. This perspective fosters their ability to recognize and advocate for equity—ensuring everyone has the tools they need to succeed, rather than merely dividing resources evenly, regardless of the outcomes.
By instilling this understanding, I hope to raise children who can navigate educational, professional, and social landscapes with confidence. They need to see that asking for help and expressing their needs is a strength. I also want them to grasp that fairness and equality are not synonymous. As middle-class white males in America, they will often benefit from certain privileges, and I want them to understand that true equality means addressing each person’s unique needs.
Parenting two children isn’t just duplicating the experience of raising one; it’s like managing two distinct roles that occasionally overlap. My expectations for each child are tailored to their individual abilities and circumstances.
In the end, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met creates a sense of balance and fairness, rather than rigid equality, which can leave one child behind. Parents, if you find yourself exhausted trying to provide completely equal treatment, take a moment to breathe and reassess. If you’re concerned about doing it right, you’re probably doing great.
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Summary:
Understanding and catering to each child’s unique needs is more valuable than striving for equal treatment among siblings. While it’s important to foster fairness, focusing on individual requirements promotes a more supportive environment, teaching children about equity and the importance of advocating for themselves.
Keyphrase: Parenting with Equity
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