When I finally acknowledged my struggle with alcohol, I was faced with a pivotal choice. For a few years, I continued drinking, finding it easier to avoid confronting my issues through the bottle. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic that I had to decide: Should I persist in drinking and merely pretend to have control, or should I stop altogether?
The decision to quit drinking wasn’t solely for my benefit; it was for my children. At my lowest, I was filled with self-loathing, unworthy of kindness or grace. If I were alone in this, I might have drunk myself into oblivion. But I still had enough strength to realize that I didn’t want my kids to witness that.
I stopped drinking to become a sober parent. However, achieving sobriety hasn’t automatically made me a better parent—not yet, anyway.
As a high-functioning alcoholic, I couldn’t escape my obsession with perfectionism, which was compounded by guilt and shame. My pursuit of a perfect image took a toll on my writing career, health, and emotional well-being, but outwardly, I appeared to be a great parent—at least while I had my drink in hand. Gin accompanied me through hours spent on the floor with my babies and toddlers. When it was time to feed them, I’d grab a beer first. Story time, puzzles, and messy play? Sure, but let me pour a drink first.
I didn’t just believe that “parenting is tough, so I need a drink,” but also that “spending time with my kids gives me an excuse to drink.” Alcohol not only hindered my healing but also allowed me to maintain the appearance of being an engaged parent. I even discreetly sipped from a travel mug during playdates, using it as motivation to navigate the social scene of stay-at-home parenting. Accepting invitations where mimosas flowed was a perfect way to combine socialization with parenting.
With a drink in hand, I felt present. But the reality was different. While I was physically there, my mind was elsewhere. I used alcohol to shield myself from confronting my feelings and the impressions my children made on me. As long as I had that protective barrier, I could maintain the illusion of being a good parent.
Now that I’m sober, I find myself missing bedtimes to attend AA meetings. I often tell my kids I can’t join them in a game until I’ve had a good workout. I feel less patient and find myself snapping at them more often. I know I come across as less nurturing, and I apologize for my sharpness, explaining that I’m working through difficult issues. They know I love them, but they can sense this affection is coming from a new, raw place.
This love is rooted in a safer and more mindful existence, even if it sometimes feels jagged. I am no longer numb or avoiding my feelings. I’m in the midst of healing from old traumas and discovering my identity while parenting three young children. I am uncertain, on edge, and striving to become the parent I aspire to be.
I’m allowing myself to believe that I am still a good parent. I understand the benefits of sober parenting, but I expect the true rewards to manifest in the coming years as I practice living as a person in recovery. I am uncovering my inner strength, learning how to be uncomfortable, and discovering how to be present without a vice to rely on. I want to cultivate qualities in myself that I hope to see flourish in my children.
My children will remember a sober parent, and I want them to also remember a parent who loved them enough to learn how to love myself as well.
Summary
In this reflective piece, Taylor shares the journey of acknowledging alcoholism and the decision to quit drinking for the sake of their children. Despite the challenges of sobriety, including missed opportunities and emotional struggles, Taylor is committed to healing from past traumas and becoming a more authentic parent. The journey to recovery is ongoing, and while sobriety hasn’t immediately made Taylor a better parent, the hope is that the benefits will become evident in time.
Keyphrase
Getting sober and parenting
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