A few weeks ago, we made the difficult decision to withdraw our children from a well-known local homeschool swimming and physical education program. It was a tough call, especially since they had made friends there and our youngest was learning to swim. However, the program crossed a line that we simply could not overlook: they used public humiliation as punishment for our seven-year-old son.
Our son is an incredibly kind and sensitive child who happens to have ADHD, which sometimes leads to heightened excitement. During a game of land sharks and minnows (essentially tag), he tagged another child a bit too hard, causing the other child to fall down. Both our son and his brother, who witnessed the incident, assured us that no one was hurt. Yet, instead of a constructive response, the teacher forced him to sit against the wall for ten minutes as punishment.
Isolation is not an effective disciplinary tool for our son. We do not believe in using such methods at home, and research from The Institute for Family Studies supports our view. Isolation teaches children that when they misbehave, they are rejected. Naturally, this led to our son feeling upset, and in an effort to hide his tears, he turned away. Instead of allowing him some privacy, the teacher insisted he face forward, exposing him to the laughter of his peers. For ten long minutes, he had to endure this torment, with tears streaming down his face. This was a clear case of humiliation as punishment, and it is unacceptable.
Humiliation as discipline is not limited to extreme cases that make headlines, like children being forced to wear degrading signs. It can manifest in more subtle ways that many parents might not even recognize. For instance, when we call our children names like “You fool!” or ask, “How could you be so careless?” we are shaming them—not just their behavior. According to Psychology Today, children struggle to separate their actions from their self-worth; shaming them for their behavior ultimately makes them feel bad about themselves.
Even seemingly minor comments like rolling our eyes or asking, “What’s wrong with you?” can contribute to a culture of humiliation. If you think you’ve never done any of these things, you might want to reconsider. Honestly, I found myself rolling my eyes just yesterday when my son couldn’t find his shoes. But as noted by experts, shaming doesn’t effectively modify behavior; it can be damaging and counterproductive.
The alternative to using humiliation is straightforward: refrain from punishment. Now, I’m not advocating for kids to run wild, but there’s a clear distinction between discipline and punishment. I teach my children how to behave through discipline, not through shaming.
Research shows that it’s never appropriate to degrade a child. Such punitive measures can lead to heightened anxiety, depression, and even aggression, as noted by Andy Grogan-Kaylor, an associate professor of social work. When a child experiences humiliation, it may stop undesirable behavior momentarily, but it harms the relationship and does not foster understanding.
Instead, focus on teaching children why certain behaviors are unacceptable. For example, if one child pushes another, I might calmly approach and say, “I noticed you pushed your brother. Pushing can hurt people and it’s not okay.” This way, I explain the behavior and its implications without resorting to humiliation. I might then require him to apologize or separate for a moment until they can play nicely again.
Humiliation does not work; it damages relationships with our children. None of us want to hurt our kids, but we all slip up occasionally. When that happens, it’s important to apologize and remind our children to do the same. We can learn together and strive to do better each day.
In summary, public humiliation has no place in child discipline. It diminishes self-worth and can have long-term negative effects. Instead, focusing on teaching appropriate behavior will strengthen the parent-child bond, leading to healthier relationships.
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