Back in my carefree, child-free twenties, I used to babysit for a family with two young girls. One afternoon, the 6-year-old shared how calm I was, contrasting it with her mom’s temperamental outbursts. “Mom gets mad,” she confided with a serious expression, “and she yells a LOT. Especially at Dad.”
I chuckled and acted unfazed, but when her mom returned, I felt a wave of judgment wash over me. I had once idolized this woman, convinced I would mirror her parenting style when my time came. But learning about her “dirty little secret” shifted my perception. Though I had never seen her lose her cool, I began to view her as an irrationally angry person who couldn’t control her emotions. Back then, I was certain I would never, ever raise my voice at my future children.
Now, I feel like a complete hypocrite. I am the mom who yells.
Every day, I’m present for my kids, even when the challenges feel insurmountable. My mid-thirties self is now navigating life with two children under four, and I’ve found myself in situations I never imagined. I’ve tossed toys in frustration and shouted “ENOUGH!!!” more times than I care to admit. I’ve threatened to confiscate all their toys, ban TV for a year, and skip the park indefinitely. There have even been moments when I’ve engaged in shouting matches with my three-year-old, who finds my exasperation amusing. I’ve bitten pillows and, on particularly tough days, retreated to my closet for a good cry, only to be coaxed back into reality by my husband.
I never expected to feel this level of anger toward my family. Each outburst is followed by a wave of shame that washes over me. I wish I could go back in time and tell that mom I judged, “I get it now.” I wish I could embrace her and acknowledge that our experiences are strikingly similar.
At the core, we are two women grappling with the overwhelming challenges of motherhood. Beneath the surface of our anger lies a fatigued individual desperately trying to keep everything afloat. While we may appear to have it all together, we often don’t. Our lives are filled with endless tasks: scheduling appointments, cleaning, answering random parenting questions online, paying bills, dressing little ones, and caring for babies through sleepless nights—all while catering to demanding toddlers who expect more than we can give.
Many of us are tirelessly managing our homes without the financial reward of a paycheck, while others balance the chaos of motherhood with income-generating work essential for survival. Regardless of our circumstances, we are constantly bombarded with an ever-growing to-do list, all while feeling burned out and hesitant to admit it. Without close family support, we often find ourselves trying to be the entire village alone.
These days, I’m embracing my anger and working on healthier ways to express it. I’m seeking the support I’ve long needed during this tumultuous phase of motherhood. I see a therapist regularly, make time for self-care, reach out to friends for help, and have even moved closer to family for additional support. Most importantly, I’m learning not to let shame dictate my responses when I do lose my temper. I now recognize that I’m doing my best every day as a mother, just as that woman I babysat for was doing. And so are the countless moms who find themselves yelling after a long day.
We are all trying our best with what we have. It’s time we allow ourselves some grace.
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Summary:
The author reflects on her previous judgments of mothers who yell, realizing that motherhood is a complex and challenging journey that often leads to frustration. She acknowledges her own struggles with anger and emphasizes the importance of understanding and supporting one another in the parenting community. By sharing her experiences, she hopes to foster compassion for mothers and encourage them to forgive themselves for their imperfections.
Keyphrase: mothers who yell
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