Trigger Warning: This article discusses self-harm, childhood trauma, and abuse.
After a grueling day with my three-year-old daughter, Lily, we found ourselves on the floor of the hallway, both in tears but for very different reasons. Lily was clamoring for bedtime with me, while I craved a much-needed break after carrying her little brother for what felt like an eternity.
As we sat there, our emotions bubbling over, Lily’s little fingers dug into my leg with a grip that felt all too tight. I couldn’t fault her for her distress; I was heavily pregnant and had just returned from a cross-country trip to say goodbye to a family member. My stress, fatigue, and pregnancy hormones were at an all-time high, and I knew Lily’s clinginess was her way of processing everything happening around her.
Then, amidst her wails, Lily’s cries escalated into screams. As her voice grew louder, so did my anxiety, culminating in an overwhelming urge to escape. In a moment of panic, I pulled her away and handed her to my partner, rushing down the stairs to the bathroom. With the lights off and the door locked, I collapsed to the floor, overwhelmed by a panic attack, and did something I deeply regret: I began to hit my head, seeking a kind of release.
This wasn’t the first time I had turned to self-harm; I’ve been struggling with this behavior for nearly two decades. In those harrowing moments before I fled from Lily, I wished I could convey to her how much my emotional turmoil stemmed from a past filled with trauma rather than from her. I wanted her to understand that I am actively trying to heal, but relapses can happen when I least expect them.
How does one explain to a three-year-old that her mother’s vulnerability often brings up painful memories of childhood abuse? How does one tell her that millions of others, like me, grapple with ongoing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
For years, I’ve been subconsciously punishing myself during extreme emotional distress. The arrival of my daughter brought forth buried feelings and ignited urges I hadn’t anticipated. Since her birthday, I’ve been battling intense panic attacks and unsettling muscle twitches that leave me frightened and bewildered.
Recognizing the need for support, I began working with a trauma specialist who focuses on postpartum issues. This decision has been pivotal in understanding why I’ve inflicted pain on myself for so long. For nearly two years, I’ve dedicated myself to mental health recovery, and while I still face challenges, I’m proud to say that my victories now outnumber my setbacks. I’ve learned to reach out for help rather than suffer in silence. By relocating to be closer to my partner’s family and engaging with a therapist, I’m developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Healing from trauma is an ongoing journey, and I’ve come to appreciate that progress isn’t always linear. One moment of stress can easily send me spiraling back into old habits. Despite my efforts, I continue to confront painful memories and struggle with triggers that arise in daily life.
I cannot guarantee that my self-harming days are behind me. Accepting this reality has fostered a surprising sense of courage and self-compassion. Throughout my life, I sought to control my surroundings to avoid harm, but embracing my imperfections has helped me navigate the tough moments when my trauma whispers that I am failing.
Facing my past has also taught me to be a more patient and forgiving parent. By sharing my authentic self with Lily, she knows that her feelings are valid, and she feels safe to express herself. As a mother of two young children, I hold onto this truth during the tough times, reminding myself of how far I’ve come.
In addition to addressing my mental health, I also encourage others to explore resources like ACOG’s guide on treating infertility and consider helpful options like boosting fertility supplements. If you’re looking for an authoritative approach to home insemination, check out the BabyMaker at Home Insemination Kit.
Ultimately, embracing my journey has not only allowed me to heal but has also strengthened my relationship with my children.
Summary
A mother shares her struggles with complex PTSD and self-harm, detailing the emotional turmoil that arises from her past traumas and how she navigates these challenges while parenting. Through therapy and support, she works toward healing and fostering a nurturing environment for her children, acknowledging the non-linear nature of recovery.
Keyphrase: Complex PTSD and Self-Harm in Motherhood
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