Long before my friend Lisa was practicing yoga in her backyard, I was navigating the world of Weight Watchers. I enjoyed it because it allowed me to indulge in treats without the guilt. I was like a secret agent, skillfully hunting for low-point snacks that fit my diet. That was until one fateful day when my tactics backfired—literally. Let’s just say I had a fiery surprise.
It was a beautiful summer Friday, and I was set to leave my publishing job in the city at 1 p.m. Having been diligent with my diet all week, I decided to stop by a drugstore for some candy reconnaissance. There, I spotted a small bag of Sugar-Free Jelly Beans and flipped it over to check the calorie count. It was only 200 calories for the entire bag—just 3 or 4 points! “Awesome!” I thought, “a delightful treat.”
Once at the office, I wasted no time devouring the entire bag of jelly beans (yes, at 9:30 a.m.; save your judgments). They tasted fantastic, and I felt quite pleased with myself. However, after finishing, I picked up the empty bag to log my snack into my Weight Watchers account. That’s when I noticed it—a tiny red box on the back.
“WARNING: CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE STOMACH DISCOMFORT AND/OR LAXATIVE EFFECT. INDIVIDUAL TOLERANCE WILL VARY; WE SUGGEST STARTING WITH 8 BEANS OR LESS.”
Wait, what? Eight beans or less? Seriously? Have you ever encountered someone who stops at just eight jelly beans? Turn to the nearest person and ask them. I, on the other hand, had consumed a staggering 70 jelly beans—about ten times the suggested serving.
In hindsight, I should have scrutinized the packaging more closely, but who expects a candy warning? Honestly, they ought to rebrand it as “ass bullets,” with a disclaimer stating, “Prepare your intestines for a swift exit.” The sugar alcohol used instead of regular sugar is famously harsh on the digestive system. I stared at the empty bag in disbelief. What had I done?
The clock read 11 a.m. I had a train to catch at 1:30 p.m. and would be home by 3 p.m. The thought of using the restroom at work was unbearable, so I briefly considered making myself vomit to avoid a disaster. But that’s not really my style—I love food too much to throw it up. Plus, my husband and I are Taco Bell veterans, so surely my insides could handle a few jelly beans, right?
By 1 p.m., I felt nothing out of the ordinary. I wrapped up at the office and hopped on the train, feeling optimistic. However, as we pulled away from Penn Station, I felt my first gurgle. My plan was to stay calm, listen to music, and ignore the fact that something sinister was brewing inside me. This worked for about 30 minutes, until my stomach began to cramp and produce alarming noises. With 40 minutes left, I realized I needed to elevate my poop status to emergency level: CODE BROWN.
As time passed, it sounded like an airplane toilet flushing inside me. Then it happened. I began to feel the impending doom—my body was on the brink. I clenched everything I had, praying I wouldn’t embarrass myself on the train. The only thing on my mind was how to survive this without a catastrophic incident.
I made a series of desperate promises to the universe, hoping for salvation. The last 15 minutes of the journey are a blur, but I was in constant communication with my husband via text, preparing him for the worst. As the train pulled into the station, I made a careful exit and saw him revving our Jeep like a getaway driver. There was no time to waste—this was a race against time.
Once home, I dashed inside and, miraculously, made it just in time. The experience was overwhelming, and let me tell you, I expelled things that probably dated back to middle school. I was light-headed and sweaty but ultimately relieved. I took a moment against the cold bathroom wall to express my gratitude. “Thank you for helping me avoid a disaster on the train. Amen.”
Since that day, I have learned to always check warning labels. I even recommend these jelly beans to friends preparing for colonoscopies instead of the horrible cleansing drinks prescribed by doctors—these taste much better and will surely leave your colon sparkling clean.
In conclusion, sugar-free treats can come with unexpected consequences, so always read the labels. If you’re considering home insemination, check out our other resources, like the impregnator at home insemination kit for more helpful information. Also, don’t forget to visit Healthline for excellent pregnancy resources, or the at home insemination kit that can assist you on your journey.
Keyphrase: Sugar-Free Jelly Beans Warning
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]