By: Sarah Mitchell
Updated: June 7, 2023 | Originally Published: May 16, 2023
As I drive my son, Noah, to a movie—just the two of us—I can’t help but reflect on the dynamics of divorced families. It’s a rare moment of quiet amidst the chaos of our blended family, and Noah takes the opportunity to voice something that’s clearly on his mind.
“Mom, are most divorced couples like you and Dad, or do they usually hate each other?” he asks.
I take a moment to think about his question. “What do you think?” I reply, curious to hear his perspective.
“I think most divorced people hate each other,” he responds, launching into stories of classmates who play the role of intermediaries between their feuding parents. He mentions kids who dread going through custody exchanges or who worry about their friends’ mental health.
“Why don’t you and Dad fight like that?” he asks, a question I’ve encountered many times from adults who are puzzled by the amicable relationship my ex-husband, Mark, and I share. They wonder if we had an easy divorce or if there’s something specially unique about us.
The reality is that Mark and I faced our share of pain during the divorce. We both struggled with feelings of rejection and disappointment, and it was a challenging time for us. I decide to share with Noah the truth behind our relationship.
“Your dad and I made a decision early on after our separation,” I explain. “We agreed to treat our divorce as one significant wound.”
Noah gives me a confused look, so I elaborate. “We knew that ending our marriage would hurt all of you. We had a choice: we could either inflict pain repeatedly by arguing over every little thing or we could hurt you once and then strive for happiness separately. Some parents continue to hurt their families by staying together when it no longer serves them or by fighting over every detail after separating.”
He listens intently, and I can sense he’s absorbing every word. I continue, revealing that Mark and I didn’t speak for several months after our split. He doesn’t remember that part of our history. I recount the arguments we had when the kids were asleep and how, even amidst the strife, we held onto the agreement that the divorce would be the only major hurt we caused our children. This commitment was forged during therapy sessions as our marriage unraveled.
“Even though we sometimes disagree, we both prioritize you,” I continue. “We have different parenting styles, and it’s clear you see that because you live with us both. But we agree on the most important thing: your well-being. We co-parent because it’s what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I love you too much to hate each other,” I remind him. “Holding onto anger would mean I’d have to hold onto resentment towards half of your heart. It’s vital for me to cherish the happy memories we created during our time together.”
Of course, I’m human. Our past is filled with complications, and we don’t always see eye to eye. Yet, despite our differences, we’ve chosen to co-parent effectively. Our love for Noah and his siblings is what unites us, and our commitment to their happiness drives us to cooperate, even when it’s challenging.
Mark and I didn’t fail at creating a family just because we divorced. Our dedication to our parenting partnership ensures that we remain connected. By prioritizing the health and happiness of our children, we’ve laid a foundation similar to that of many intact families.
Co-parenting harmoniously might seem like a lofty goal, especially if you’re not there yet. I understand; Mark and I were not always on the same page. However, peaceful co-parenting is possible, even for those who have faced significant hurt. Start small; focus on loving your children and take steps towards collaboration today.
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