Our so-called “swear jar” currently holds just two coins. One of them was added when my 7-year-old, Max, was merely five. He spotted something odd in a local museum’s gift shop and exclaimed, in a surprisingly deep voice, “What the hell is that?” When he glanced up at me, he added, “Don’t cry, Mama.” The other coin found its way in last week when his older brother, Jake, captured his queen during a chess match. “You jerk!” Max shouted. At least he used it correctly. That’s our swear jar, totaling a whopping 20 cents.
The reason it’s so sparse is that we don’t include lyrics or song titles. Max’s favorite David Bowie track is “Queen Bitch,” which he asks for with enthusiasm (I’m spotting a trend). The kids belt out “O! You Pretty Things,” including the line “The other’s a bitch.” They know all the words to Hamilton, featuring the line, “When you knock me down I get the f*** back up again!” And yes, I let them sing the unedited version of the Benjamin Franklin song, which includes the catchy refrain, “Do you know who the f*** I am?” Clearly, I’m not too worried about the words coming out of their mouths. The swear jar is effectively pointless.
Whenever they curse, we simply remind them to add a coin to the jar and then find a spot to stifle our laughter.
I’m ready for a new approach to this whole situation. The swear jar feels silly and ineffective. I’m not particularly concerned if my kids drop the occasional “f-bomb,” as long as it’s not in front of Grandma or used inappropriately. What truly matters to me is their kindness. I get really upset when I see them being unkind or bullying one another. I care when I notice my oldest ignoring his younger brother, or my middle son chasing after the others with a squirt gun. I care when they kick each other or tease one another with chants like “Max is a poop cow.” I’m not worried if they grow up to be expressive like me; I want them to grow into kind, empathetic, and compassionate individuals.
Introducing the Meanness Jar
Thus, I’ve introduced the Meanness Jar.
This jar operates similarly to the swear jar, but it’s likely to fill up much faster. Whenever I catch one of the kids being unkind to the others, they’ll have to drop a coin into the Meanness Jar (a bonus: they’ll need to do a bit of math to keep track of their allowances). Typical infractions will encompass the usual sibling squabbles: fighting, refusing to help one another, rolling their eyes, using hurtful words, and calling names.
Tattling will also be a penalized offense, as it’s a deliberate attempt to get someone else in trouble for personal gain. If someone touches another in a way they find uncomfortable after being told not to, that’ll result in a triple violation. So if Max calls Jake a “jerk,” it’s not a swear violation but rather a mean one.
Being unkind to their parents will also incur penalties. I won’t include disobedience, as that would create a general Disobedience Jar, and kids will be kids. However, deliberately hurtful comments like “I hate you” will definitely count.
I expect the Meanness Jar to fill up quickly. This isn’t because my kids are particularly awful to one another — quite the opposite. They’re mostly sweet. Jake always rushes to help when Max gets hurt, and my middle son willingly shared a good portion of his allowance with Max to buy a toy at Target. But like any kids aged 9, 7, and 5, they can also be complete nuisances, making silly noises to annoy each other, stealing toys, and jumping on one another.
Once the jar is filled, we will have a decent amount saved up. Since it’s a Meanness Jar, I think some of that money should go to a charity of their choice. I’ll provide a few options, including a local kitten rescue run by a friend. The rest will be for family use, perhaps for gas on a trip or part of the payment for a campsite. I want to take the kids to help roll the coins so they can see that it’s not just a few cents; it’s real money.
Maybe, just maybe, if they feel the financial impact, they’ll think twice before being unkind. Regardless, it offers a tangible way to address their behavior.
In conclusion, this Meanness Jar is a far better alternative to that ineffective swear jar.
For more parenting insights, check out our post on home insemination kits.
Keyphrase: Meanness Jar
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]