As I sat in the park beside a new acquaintance, we were engrossed in conversation while our children climbed and played. Suddenly, my middle child appeared, insisting I hand over the snacks I had prepared for sharing.
With a calm voice, I met her gaze and replied, “Please ask again respectfully.”
Her demeanor shifted as she recognized I wouldn’t simply comply with her demand. “May I distribute the snacks, please?” she asked politely.
I smiled, high-fived her, and said, “Of course!” She ran off, juice pouches and a hefty bag of veggie chips in tow. I turned back to my friend, who looked astounded. “What just happened?” she inquired, bewildered.
I was taken aback, unsure if she was referring to the snacks or the interaction. She shared that her kids would react dramatically if denied snacks, often throwing tantrums or arguing about choices.
Her reaction is something I often encounter when I mention our parenting approach, Empowered to Connect (ETC). Many parents express skepticism or disbelief that children can communicate respectfully and have their needs met without chaos.
It hasn’t been an overnight journey, but after over a year of commitment, we’ve taught our kids how to engage with us constructively and how we respond to them.
Initially, I, too, was doubtful about this unconventional method. With four kids, three of whom were born within four years, our household could easily descend into turmoil. One of our children has sensory processing challenges, leading to significant outbursts.
My husband and I also have contrasting parenting styles. He tends to offer multiple chances, while I often take a more strict approach. This inconsistency left our children confused about rules and expectations.
We sought balance, consistency, and ultimately, peace. Among the many parenting books available, ETC stood out to us. This approach is rooted in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), designed to assist parents in raising children from challenging backgrounds, particularly those who have faced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), neglect, or trauma.
Given that all four of my children were adopted as infants, I was drawn to this parenting style, as all adoptees experience some form of separation trauma. However, ETC is beneficial not just for adopted children. Recent discussions around ACEs have shed light on how prevalent they are, with nearly half of children experiencing at least one form of trauma.
The more ACEs a person endures, the greater the risk for various negative outcomes, including mental health issues, substance abuse, and difficulties in education and employment. ETC provides a response to these challenges, teaching children that they are valued, safe, and capable of expressing their needs.
A core tenet of ETC is the importance of connecting with children before correcting their behavior. Instead of traditional discipline, we focus on understanding and resolving the underlying issues. For instance, time-outs are absent from our home.
While separating a child from a heated situation can be helpful, punishing them for experiencing emotions by forcing them to sit quietly doesn’t foster learning. Instead, we create a calm environment to discuss what occurred. If a child is dysregulated, we prioritize helping them find calmness first, which we refer to as a “time-in.”
Once they’re regulated, we crouch to their eye level, speak softly, and gently touch them as we work through the situation together. We identify their needs, such as hunger, thirst, fatigue, or sensory overload, and discuss how to address them.
ETC doesn’t grant children free rein; rather, it offers them a second chance to correct their behavior. This process reinforces attachment and connection. Apologies, natural consequences, and understanding are integral to this method.
Is ETC parenting time-consuming? Yes, it requires effort. But the benefits are significant. Have you ever found yourself frustrated with inconsistent consequences hoping one would resonate with your child? This is often counterproductive, leading to exhaustion as parents scramble to create effective strategies.
ETC introduces clear, consistent expectations, allowing children to feel valued and understood. Parents also gain clarity on their roles, which fosters a stable environment for growth.
After several years of practice, I’ve discovered that ETC has brought relief and healing to our family. While challenges still arise, I’m grateful for the connection-focused approach we’ve adopted.
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In summary, the Empowered to Connect parenting method has significantly altered our family dynamics. It emphasizes connection before correction, fostering a respectful and engaging environment for both parents and children.
Keyphrase: Empowered to Connect Parenting Method
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