As parents, we often find ourselves encouraging our children to express affection, whether it’s saying, “Give Grandma a hug!” or “Don’t forget to thank Uncle Joe with a kiss.” But why do we feel the need to insist on these gestures? Adults have the freedom to choose who they want to touch them; shouldn’t children have the same rights? While we often refer to children as individuals, we sometimes neglect to honor their autonomy over their own bodies. I have made a firm decision never to pressure my child into displaying physical affection or to guilt him into it, even with me. Why? Because I recognize and respect his individuality.
Reflecting on my own upbringing, my mother often felt entitled to my affection simply because of her role as my parent. She expected hugs and kisses, and even now, she behaves as though I owe her that physical closeness. As an adult, I have learned to assert my boundaries, but I still find it puzzling that she feels entitled to my personal space. I have always felt uncomfortable with this dynamic, and that’s why I am committed to not imposing similar expectations on my son. Yes, I carried him for nine months, but once he arrived, his body became his own. The idea that someone deserves affection simply because they gave you life is deeply flawed.
As a mother, I certainly crave those little moments when my son wraps his arms around me. There’s something wonderfully comforting about a quick hug or a kiss on the cheek. However, I remind myself that my need for physical affection does not override his right to decline. When I ask for a hug, if he says no, I respect that. More often than not, he comes to me for affection when he feels ready. This mutual respect for his autonomy is essential to our relationship.
I have made it clear to my son that he never has to offer physical affection if he doesn’t want to. While I am affectionate with him, I always ask before initiating a hug. If he declines, I simply let it go. He knows he can come to me when he feels comfortable, which often leads him to initiate affection more than I do. This respect for his autonomy has always been a top priority for me.
Growing up, my parents belonged to a generation that viewed physical affection as a social obligation. A simple “thank you” was often accompanied by a hug. I never understood why a hug was necessary to express gratitude. When I became a parent, I resolved to break that cycle and allow my child to choose. If he feels inclined to express gratitude with a hug, that’s his decision. There’s no need for me to say, “Go hug Grandma for that gift.” A simple thank you suffices.
My son is more reserved than I was at his age. He takes his time to warm up to people and is good at reading social cues. Recently, we spent time with some acquaintances he knows but doesn’t communicate with often. Initially, he was shy and avoided eye contact. However, as he grew comfortable, he naturally reached for my friend’s hand and offered her hugs—his choice entirely.
I believe that physical affection should be earned, not expected. Just because someone gives a gift doesn’t mean they are entitled to a hug in return. This principle applies to everyone, from family to friends. A familial bond does not grant anyone the automatic right to your body.
When friends visit, I encourage my son to acknowledge their departure, either by waving or saying goodbye. However, I’ve never forced him to hug anyone when they leave. Sometimes he chooses to, and other times he prefers not to engage.
Enforcing physical affection can create confusion about consent and personal boundaries. As parents, if we want to teach our children about respect and bodily autonomy, we must practice what we preach. They do not owe affection to anyone, not even relatives.
In summary, I have made it a priority to respect my son’s autonomy when it comes to physical affection. By allowing him to choose whether or not to show affection, I hope to instill in him a strong sense of personal boundaries and consent, which are vital lessons for a healthy relationship with himself and others.
Keyphrase: respecting children’s autonomy in affection
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