Trigger warning: marital rape, sexual assault, domestic abuse
Marital Rape. That was the term my attorney used after delving into the intimate aspects of my marriage. Throughout the years, I had realized that what occurred was assault. I understood it was deeply troubling and wrong, but I never recognized it as rape. I hesitated to label it. He hadn’t physically restrained me or torn my clothes. It began as consensual intimacy, a shared moment between spouses. Then the pain intensified.
He was thrusting himself into me with increasing force. I repeatedly cried out, “Stop!” The agony escalated, and I felt my skin tearing. His eyes were shut, as if he were in a trance, and he didn’t seem to hear my pleas. Fear and panic overwhelmed me. I was trapped beneath him, unable to move as I screamed and wept. Yet, he persisted.
Once he finally released me, I rushed to the bathroom. There was an alarming amount of blood. I could feel the damage. Shock and pain coursed through me. What had just happened?
He feigned surprise at my distress. Excuses poured from his lips—he couldn’t stop, he was in the moment, he needed to finish. My head was spinning, and the pain was unbearable. I fled out the front door, demanding he leave me alone and never touch me again.
I sought refuge at a friend’s house. She was a nurse and urged me to go to the hospital. I couldn’t bear the thought. My husband worked in the ER for volunteer credit, and in our small town, everyone knew him and me. I felt trapped. When she suggested reporting the abuse, I couldn’t. The local police were familiar with him too. I felt powerless.
I attempted to move on from that traumatic night, but the scars lingered. A few months later, I discovered I was pregnant with our second child. I still wonder if she was conceived that night but can’t bring myself to confront the timeline.
I remained married to him for another six years. Though he was not as violent afterward, I lived in constant fear of his wrath. He was demanding and emotionally abusive. He would plead for intimacy, counting the days since our last encounter, and grow angry or indifferent if I denied him. He would barter for favors in exchange for sex, making advances even when I expressed disinterest. Simple moments like cuddling turned into negotiations for physical intimacy.
On Christmas morning, with family waiting to open presents, he called me into the room for a sexual act. He didn’t care about the occasion; he only wanted sex.
When I was exclusively pumping for our babies due to my inverted nipples, he suggested I undergo surgery—not for the sake of nursing but so he could enjoy my breasts more during sex. His fixation on sex overshadowed any care for my feelings.
I recognized that this was not normal. I understood that I deserved better, yet I felt stuck. I didn’t realize I was living with a sex addict or how unhealthy my situation was. It wasn’t until later that I fully grasped the nature of my experience.
I often wish I had the courage to report him that night, to seek proper medical attention. The scar from the tearing serves as a constant reminder, one I have never explained to my doctors. I may share my truth next year, as I no longer feel shame. I was assaulted; it wasn’t my fault, and I did nothing wrong. I survived spousal rape, a form of abuse often overlooked.
“Did you know that what you just described falls under marital rape?” my lawyer asked. Signing the divorce papers was a monumental step toward my freedom from a toxic marriage and the sexual abuse I endured.
I come from a lineage of strong women who have faced similar horrors of spousal rape and abuse. They held their heads high, smiling through their pain, but kept their struggles hidden. Thankfully, many found the strength to leave their toxic relationships and start anew. Their resilience inspires me.
I believe that if more women share their stories, we can break the cycle of silence that enables abuse. If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it likely is. Reach out to someone. You are not alone. Many women suffer in silence, often unaware that what they’re experiencing is unacceptable. Remember, you have the right to refuse unwanted sexual advances, even from your spouse. No one has the right to coerce you into something you don’t want. You deserve better and you can break free.
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Summary:
This article recounts a personal experience of marital rape, unveiling the complexities of abuse within a marriage. It highlights the long-lasting impact of such trauma, the struggle for recognition, and the journey towards healing and empowerment. It emphasizes the importance of speaking out against abuse, recognizing one’s rights, and seeking help.
Keyphrase: marital rape survivor
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