Parenting
Why Disciplining My ‘Challenging’ Child Is So Difficult
by Jamie Turner
Updated: June 11, 2019
Originally Published: April 26, 2019
Everything about our four-year-old, Lily, presents a challenge. My partner and I often joke that if she had been our first child, she would have been our last. This energetic and inquisitive little girl, with her charming smile and distinct personality, is the perfect inspiration for my writing—though I must admit, she can be quite the handful.
You might be wondering if “four-year-old” and “handful” are interchangeable. Well, in Lily’s case, they really are. A few weeks ago, she was sent to the principal’s office at preschool for refusing to participate in a class activity. When Ms. Smith gently urged her to focus, Lily responded by calling her and a few classmates “losers.” This is preschool, after all—not even kindergarten—and despite being the youngest, she’s the first among our three kids to earn a trip to the office. I honestly have no idea where she picked up the term “loser,” as we don’t use it at home, yet here we are.
This incident was just the latest in a series of concerns the school has raised about Lily’s behavior. One evening, as I picked her up, she proudly declared, “I was a handful today!” Curious, I asked if that was a good thing. She nodded enthusiastically, while the teaching assistant behind her mouthed “No.”
When people meet Lily, they often choose phrases like “spirited” or “high-energy” to describe her. However, the reality is that she tends to follow her own whims, regardless of the consequences. We’ve tried various disciplinary methods, from time-outs to taking away screen time and treats, even sending her to bed early. Yet, I can confidently say that none of these strategies seem to have any effect on her.
For example, one night I put Lily to bed early for not listening to her mother. Despite my efforts, she kept sneaking out. When I finally positioned myself outside her door, she asked for another glass of water. I told her no, reminding her of her early bedtime due to her behavior. She shot back, “Well, I want more water, and you’re not listening. That makes you a bad listener, and you should go to bed!” I could hear her tone, and I knew she was waving her finger at me, just as she always does.
The frustrating part is that while I want her to grow up to shatter glass ceilings and assert herself in the workplace, I also have to navigate the challenge of teaching her kindness and respect. It feels like I’m walking a tightrope between fostering her independence and ensuring she doesn’t become a “jerk.”
This overwhelming situation weighs heavily on my mind. After all, she’s only four, and we have many more years of parenting ahead of us.
One particularly frustrating aspect of parenting a spirited child is the judgment we often face from others, including educators. I believe that my partner and I are handling the situation as best as we can, but Lily is simply being herself. Speaking for parents of similarly spirited children, I can assure you that we are actively working on these issues, so there’s no need for judgment.
Not everyone is critical, though. We recently met with Lily’s preschool teacher, Ms. Smith, which made us a bit anxious. Sitting at a small table across from her, we discussed Lily’s development, her coloring skills, and number recognition—all positive points. After a few moments of silence, I finally asked, “How’s her behavior?”
Ms. Smith paused, and my partner, Sarah, tried to fill the silence, acknowledging that we know Lily can be challenging and that we’re working on it at home. With a warm smile, Ms. Smith raised her hands and said, “Yes, she can be a lot sometimes.” She shared some amusing anecdotes about redirecting Lily, and then she said something that shifted my perspective: “I want that little girl to be who she is, because she is truly wonderful. I have no doubt she’ll change the world someday. Don’t ever stifle her spirit.”
In that moment, Sarah and I exchanged smiles, and I felt a newfound optimism about our daughter’s future.
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In summary, parenting a spirited child like Lily is a challenging yet rewarding experience. While the journey is fraught with difficulties and moments of judgment from others, it’s essential to embrace her individuality and foster her independence while teaching kindness and respect.
Keyphrase: disciplining a spirited child
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