Yesterday was just another typical day. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and went to gather the kids. My partner, Mark, also got up, showered, and headed out to walk the dogs. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at school (okay, daycare). After a day full of work, we picked the kids up and returned home.
Mark took our toddler to see the puppies (because upon arriving home, he immediately began exclaiming, “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!”). I took off the baby’s jacket, removed my own, and hung both in the closet. I put my shoes away (this detail matters, trust me). I then changed into more comfortable clothes with the baby in tow. Once we returned to the living room, I started clearing off the clutter from the kitchen table. After finishing that task, the baby and I headed to play.
That’s when it happened. Mark and our toddler came back from the basement, and he casually removed the toddler’s jacket and shoes, leaving them on the kitchen table. After setting the toddler down in the living room, Mark went to the cupboard to grab a snack (yes, he was getting a snack for himself, not the toddler). At that moment, I asked, “Could you please put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
The phrase “help me out” suddenly rang hollow. I envisioned my life with Mark flashing before me. Could you help me out with…putting away the kid’s jacket?…getting a bottle for the baby?…washing your plate?…storing your shoes?…taking out the trash?…folding your laundry? It became crystal clear. These weren’t the right words. He’s not my helper; he’s a full-fledged adult and my equal partner.
Right then, I said it out loud: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s just putting away your child’s things.” He didn’t respond but went ahead and put them away.
From that moment on, I resolved never to ask Mark for help unless it’s genuinely a favor—like dealing with a giant spider that has invaded our home. Here’s why:
- It Undermines His Worth
Mark is an adult, a competent person. He shouldn’t be seen as my assistant who needs direction to be helpful. He has his own contributions to make. If something needs doing, I can simply ask without framing it as a favor. - It Places Unfair Burden on Me
I do not bear the sole responsibility for managing our household or caring for our children. This isn’t just my duty. By using phrases like “help me out,” I inadvertently take on that ownership. There are plenty of things I’d love to take ownership of—like a luxurious yacht or a high-end car—but being entirely responsible for our home is not one of them. I want to share that responsibility equally. - It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids
I don’t want my sons to think that simply putting the toilet seat down is a grand gesture. I want them to understand that being a partner means sharing responsibilities and taking pride in it. - It Weakens Our Partnership
Mark is my equal partner. We may not always do things the same way because we’re different individuals. What matters is our joint effort to create a happy, healthy family (and a house free from the remnants of toddler snacks). I don’t want to dictate to him; I want him to recognize that he’s not just “helping me”—he’s fulfilling his role as a father and partner. And yes, he can still squash bugs.
So, the next time Mark leaves his clean laundry in the dryer for days, instead of asking for help with folding it, I’ll just tell him to move his stuff out of my way.
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