After relocating to the Midwest, I find myself longing for family connections that now feel miles away. The distance means I can only visit a few times each year, and these homecomings offer a chance to rejuvenate and combat the loneliness that often accompanies my life without my loved ones.
During these visits, I strive to recreate my pre-marriage and pre-kids life as much as possible. I reconnect with old friends, enjoy meals at my favorite spots, and occasionally indulge in the nightlife. However, being a mother for over three years and a wife for almost five has undeniably shifted my perspective, especially when it comes to unsolicited advice on parenting from family.
I cherish my family, but their comments can be incredibly frustrating! Coming from a traditional Southern background, my upbringing includes a strong emphasis on respect for elders and the idea that children should be seen and not heard. This cultural backdrop has led to differing views on how I choose to raise my kids, which many in my family find unusual.
While I value respect for elders, I believe it should be earned, not mandated. I refuse to force my children to hug or kiss relatives they barely know, as I view that as a violation of their bodily autonomy. My husband and I regard children as individuals who will one day make their own decisions; thus, we aim to equip them with the critical thinking skills necessary to navigate their world.
Raising my children in a way that contrasts with my family’s traditions often leaves me feeling isolated. Visits can be tense, particularly as we clash over fundamental parenting philosophies. For instance, when my three-year-old has a meltdown, I prefer a more passive approach, allowing him to learn that such behavior is ineffective. My relatives, however, advocate for immediate correction, and I often hear comments like, “When you were his age, you had better home training.” While I know these remarks come from a place of love, they sometimes lead me to second-guess my parenting, resulting in responses that don’t align with my usual style.
Back home, I’m more nurturing and inclined to comfort my children rather than adopting a strict disciplinary approach. In contrast, I tend to feel pressured to conform to my family’s expectations, which can make me uncomfortable and less authentic in my role as a parent.
I recognize that these visits pose challenges not just for my family and me, but also for my children, who are navigating different expectations. For instance, our dietary choices—like abstaining from pork—mean that some childhood favorites, like bacon sandwiches, are off-limits. My unconventional work-life balance, where I focus on pursuing passions while caring for my children at home, also deviates from what is commonplace in my family.
Interestingly, my parenting style is influenced by the way my mother raised me, emphasizing personal freedom and agency. I was never taught to prioritize fitting in, which I appreciate. However, I sometimes worry that my approach might be misconstrued as a rejection of my family’s values. The Southern tradition often blends parental instincts with social expectations, and I challenge this by choosing not to parent based on societal norms.
I wish I could convey to my loved ones that my deviation from the “old school” methods isn’t a critique of their style. Rather, it represents my interpretation of their teachings, adapted to my understanding of what is best for my family. While I enjoy traditional Southern foods, I have learned that what’s deemed good isn’t always healthy. I aim for moderation in hopes of promoting longevity. My children may enjoy jumping on couches, but I believe in cultivating a balance between fun and the critical skills needed to thrive in society. After all, if they can’t experience joy at home, where else can they express their freedom?
What I truly seek is not rigid guidelines from my past, but rather support, acceptance, and unconditional love from my family.
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Summary:
Navigating parenting in a way that diverges from traditional family norms can lead to feelings of isolation and stress. As a mother who values personal agency and critical thinking, I often find myself at odds with my family’s expectations. Despite the love and care from my relatives, their unsolicited advice can trigger self-doubt, making visits challenging. Ultimately, I seek understanding and support as I forge my own path in parenting.
Keyphrase: Raising Children Differently
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