A few weeks ago, I faced one of the hardest moments of my life: I signed the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) forms for my mother. Tears streamed down my face as I realized that I was granting the hospital permission to allow her to slip away. In that moment, letting go became painfully official.
It shattered my heart to make that choice. Even though I understood it was in line with my mother’s wishes, and recognized that it was the right thing to do, the emotional weight was nearly unbearable. I can’t fathom the agony of making such a choice without knowing her desires. Imagine having to decide whether to sign that paper, constantly questioning if you made the right call or, conversely, not signing it and risking unnecessary suffering.
The challenges didn’t stop there. When my mother transitioned to hospice care, I had to decide against placing a feeding tube. After two days without food, I faced a heartbreaking choice: intervene and prolong her dying process or let nature take its course.
The silver lining in this sorrowful situation was that my mother and I had that crucial conversation just months prior. After her initial oncology appointment, where she was diagnosed with advanced colorectal cancer, we sat down at a local diner and had a candid, tear-filled discussion that her doctor had encouraged us to have.
“You need to talk about your end-of-life preferences now,” he advised, “so she doesn’t have to carry the weight of uncertainty during such a difficult time.”
End-of-life preferences. A more delicate way of asking, how do you wish to pass? My mother expressed her desire not to endure a prolonged battle like her sister had. She had watched her sibling suffer and didn’t want to experience that herself. Thankfully, she articulated these wishes, which ultimately guided my decision.
By the time I signed the DNR, my mother was mostly incoherent, lost in a world of hallucinations, unable to convey her pain. Her liver was failing, she was no longer eating, and the reality was that she was dying. I could either choose to extend her suffering or allow her to pass peacefully.
For me, the decision was clear, though certainly painful. I held onto hope for a miracle, yet I recognized that my definition of a miracle differed from God’s. My mother was nearing the end, and regardless of whether I approved a feeding tube or resuscitation, her fate was sealed. I understood this deeply in my heart.
Despite our previous conversation, there were still many topics we hadn’t covered. I knew she wanted resuscitation if she was otherwise healthy, and she had a will, but I was unaware of its location or her funeral wishes. Did she prefer burial or cremation? Where would she want to be laid to rest?
I urge you to initiate this conversation now with your loved ones, even if they seem healthy and vibrant. It doesn’t matter if they’re only fifty years old—my mother was too.
I understand that discussing these matters can feel grim and depressing. However, having this conversation will ultimately bring you peace. What about your own wishes? Do your family members know how you want to be treated?
Give them the gift of understanding your desires, easing their burden as they navigate their grief. Just reach out and say, “I read something that made me want to ask you a few questions.” It’s better to tackle this uncomfortable topic now, so that when sorrow strikes, you won’t have to grapple with uncertainty.
A quick search for Advance Health Care Directives can guide you on what to ask and discuss. A useful resource is available at Everplans.
Death is an unavoidable reality, and it will bring heartache. However, knowing my mother’s wishes allowed me to focus on mourning her loss rather than wrestling with difficult decisions. While cancer may have taken her sooner than expected, I was able to honor her wishes in her final days.
In conclusion, take the time to have these vital conversations. They will not only benefit your loved ones but also provide you with clarity and peace during the inevitable.
Keyphrase: “difficult conversations about end-of-life wishes”
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