Like many women, I’ve been reflecting on the emotional labor and mental burdens that come with motherhood, and how they weigh heavily on me within our family dynamics.
Having grown up in the ’80s with a father who was a stay-at-home dad—an uncommon arrangement at that time—I’ve often thought about the unique perspective it gave me. My father was adventurous, marrying my mom at 44 and becoming a devoted caregiver after a career as a Boston firefighter. When I was young, an injury led him to retire early, and he became the primary caretaker for me and my younger sister.
He shouldered the emotional responsibilities of parenting, driving us to school and listening to our endless stories about friends and school life. He took us to appointments, prepared our meals, packed our lunches, and ensured we were ready for each day. He was our go-to for summer fun, making toast and tea on sick days while we watched our favorite shows. He remembered birthdays, signed us up for activities, and handled countless snacks. All of this without the conveniences of modern technology like cell phones and streaming services. Reflecting on his efforts, I realized how exhausting that must have been. A year before he passed away, I asked him how he managed it all. He simply said, “That time with you girls was a gift. My happiest memories. But yes, exhausting…”
As I embarked on my own journey into motherhood, I found myself in the role of the “primary parent.” After returning from Ethiopia, I stayed home with my son, Leo, for a few years while pursuing a career that allowed me to be close to him. For a while, we even shared the same building. I felt like I was never off duty, providing support, snacks, and hugs whenever he needed them.
I took charge of appointments, teacher meetings, playdates, and activity sign-ups. I spent countless hours researching daycares and schools, seeking the ideal fit for Leo. I engaged in deep discussions about ADHD medications with his doctor, worked closely with his teachers, and managed tutoring sessions—all while wrestling with anxiety and self-doubt. I felt responsible for everything, and when things went awry, I blamed myself. The burden was overwhelming.
For years, I told my partner, Jake, “You should just know what I need!” This usually came after he asked how he could support me during stressful times. Growing up observing my father manage everything, I assumed all men had an innate understanding of the complexities of parenting. However, I had taken on my role so fiercely that I believed only I could handle everything correctly. Consequently, I often left Jake out of the loop, thinking he wouldn’t grasp what needed to be done.
I worried he wouldn’t do it “right.” Small decisions felt monumental—“Two cookies before dinner?” “Did you make sure he drank enough water?” “Those pajamas are too hot!” So, I took it upon myself to handle everything, including the big responsibilities, and then grew frustrated when I felt isolated.
This past year has been enlightening for both of us. Jake is different from me. As an introvert, he approaches parenting and decision-making in his own way. I realized my expectations for him were unrealistic. I wanted him to know my needs without me expressing them clearly. I wanted him to step up and take initiative without detailing what that looked like. I longed for him to understand my stress without communicating the causes behind it.
I finally understood the importance of treating him as a partner in our parenting journey. He wanted to help relieve some of my burdens, but he just didn’t know how to do it. “I need more support. I can’t manage all the appointments, sick days, and household chores by myself. I can’t keep track of every detail,” I told him. “Of course,” he replied.
While Jake might not check if Leo’s clothes match or remember the specific snacks I prefer, he has his own strengths. He can create educational plans with teachers, navigate the ups and downs of team sports, and remember favorite cereals.
In my quest to ensure everything was done my way, I often excluded Jake. Although I will likely always be the primary caregiver by default, I’m learning to appreciate the unique strengths we both contribute to parenting. I strive to focus on these qualities, even when he returns from appointments without recalling the details we discussed.
By working together, we aim to raise a compassionate and empathetic son. As we navigate this journey, I’m grateful to have resources like this excellent guide on artificial insemination and helpful insights into couples’ fertility journeys. If you’re interested in home insemination, check out our at-home insemination kit for more tips and tools.
Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of sharing the mental load of parenting, emphasizing the importance of partnership and communication in balancing responsibilities. The author shares personal experiences and insights, highlighting how recognizing each partner’s strengths can alleviate the emotional burden of parenthood.
Keyphrase: Sharing the mental load of parenting
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