My five-year-old can whip up his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Occasionally, I’ll need to help him open the peanut butter jar, but I make sure he brings it over to me, whether I’m busy writing, doing laundry, or cleaning. He gathers the knife, bread, and plate, spreads the jelly and peanut butter, and cleans up afterward—if he forgets, he hears about it. He beams with pride when he declares, “I can make my own lunch!” My nine-year-old is the same with my morning coffee; he delights in pouring and mixing it, feeling trusted and capable. This independence is something to celebrate.
Like many mothers, I juggle the responsibilities of driving my kids, aged five, seven, and nine, to playdates and practices while also homeschooling. I manage the laundry and ensure they complete their chores, but I refrain from entertaining them constantly. Often, I encourage them to prepare their own meals. I don’t dress them, and I only intervene in their disputes if they escalate to physical altercations. I’m always there to comfort them when they get hurt, but they know to fetch their own Band-Aids (and I just assist with the sticking part).
Some may label this approach as lazy or as parenting via benign neglect, but it’s resulted in happier, more self-sufficient children.
When my kids wake up, I ask them what they’d like for breakfast. If they can reach it, they get it themselves. If not (like our cereal, which is on top of the fridge), I do minimal work—pouring cereal, adding milk, and calling out, “Your breakfast is ready!” They know to get their spoons and carry their bowls to the table. If they spill, they clean it up. I return to my tasks—whether it’s laundry or lesson planning—while they manage their own meals. They can pour their own cereal and milk, and if my youngest struggles, his older brother lends a hand. They take pride in their abilities and love to share their accomplishments.
My children also support each other. If someone needs assistance, everyone jumps in. If the youngest is struggling with a squirt gun, his brothers help him. When my middle son misplaces his Lego frog, his younger sibling is there to assist. They don’t come running to me for trivial matters; they understand that it’s their responsibility to resolve such issues. As a family, we value independence and self-sufficiency.
If they feel hungry between meals, they know where to find the peanut butter, jelly, and bread. There’s also the snack bowl. They don’t wait for me to be available; they control their eating habits, which is especially important since they take medication that affects their appetite.
During shopping trips to Target, my nine-year-old suggests items like muffins for breakfast or deli meats for sandwiches. Next, I plan to teach him how to microwave frozen vegetables, as he is more than capable of handling it.
I also believe in allowing them to navigate conflicts. I don’t step in to resolve every argument; instead, I encourage them to communicate and find solutions. If there are tears, I help them work through it, ensuring they learn important negotiation skills.
Most importantly, I don’t engage in constant entertainment for my kids. My mother didn’t entertain me, either. While I do play games or do crafts occasionally, I won’t orchestrate activities. I open the back door and send them outside, where they often dig massive holes or swing on the Ninja Line. I don’t supervise their outdoor play; they can entertain themselves for hours, returning only when it’s time to come in.
My children are genuinely happy. We share frequent hugs, embark on family adventures, bike together, and engage in meaningful conversations. The older siblings read to each other, and I was moved to tears recently when my middle son used his own money to buy a Lego minifigure for his brothers, ensuring they didn’t feel left out.
You might call my parenting approach lazy or question my dedication. But I am indeed caring for them—by fostering their self-reliance and teaching them to navigate the world independently. In an era where many children are overprotected, these skills are vital. They need to learn how to operate autonomously, think critically, and collaborate with one another.
Today, I spotted my middle son climbing onto the counter to retrieve a plate, a sight that filled me with pride. I remember doing the same when I was his age. Yet, many would frown upon this, fearing it’s too dangerous to allow children such autonomy. I reject that notion; he was demonstrating resourcefulness and independence, and he was perfectly safe.
In that moment, I nodded at him, and he returned the gesture, plate in hand. I was so proud.
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Summary:
This article discusses the benefits of a parenting approach based on benign neglect, emphasizing the independence and self-sufficiency it fosters in children. By allowing kids to take on responsibilities, resolve conflicts, and entertain themselves, parents can cultivate happier, more capable individuals who can navigate the world on their own terms.
Keyphrase: Parenting Independence Through Benign Neglect
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