I’ve reached a point where I can’t stand reading articles about the “default parent.” I understand the concept—if you’re a mother, you likely feel the weight of maintaining your family’s routine. You’re the one scheduling doctor appointments, organizing birthday parties, and adding “milk” to the grocery list. You tuck the kids in at night, only to be left with a long to-do list that seems never-ending. So many of the monotonous tasks fall on you because you are the default parent.
I can empathize; I used to be in the same boat. I shared that popular article about the “default parent” with friends, and we discussed it extensively. I remember asserting that I was indeed the default parent, and that it made my life “impossible” at times.
For years, I managed a myriad of household responsibilities—meal planning, signing kids up for camp, and ensuring we had the right size diapers. I also worked outside the home, but since my job was more flexible than my partner’s, I took on the bulk of the caregiving, especially when the kids were sick. Yet, my life was not “impossible.” It was chaotic and flawed, but it was wonderful. I wish I had paused more often to appreciate that instead of fixating on who last vacuumed the living room.
Now, I find myself in a different scenario. I am no longer the default parent; I am the only parent. My partner is gone—taken from us after a brief struggle with cancer—and I am left to raise three young children on my own. The responsibilities I once considered burdensome seem trivial compared to the immense task of single parenthood.
Being the default parent in a happy marriage allows for the luxury of complaining about who takes the kids school shopping or remembers haircuts before picture day. It means knowing that your partner shares some of the load, even if it’s not equal. It also means you won’t have to make every decision by yourself, even if you often do.
While I believe we should strive for greater equality in our relationships and recognize that women often shoulder more responsibilities at home, it’s crucial to understand that the work of the “default parent” pales in comparison to the challenges faced by single parents.
The real difficulty of single parenting isn’t the daily tasks I once complained about. Sure, keeping track of school paperwork and ensuring homework gets done can be frustrating and time-consuming, but it’s not the hardest part.
The true challenge lies in reaching the end of the day with nothing left in the tank, knowing you’re the only one to read bedtime stories. It’s attending every baseball game, knowing no other parent will be there for your child. It’s carrying your youngest because they refuse to go to anyone else—and there’s only you.
The reality is, there are no breaks. When the school nurse calls about a sick child, you are the only one who can leave work to help. When a child gets hurt, you are the sole adult spending the night in the ER. When a little one wakes up at night, you are the only one who can soothe them.
I understand the struggles of being the default parent. It’s worthwhile to reflect on our parenting roles. But trust me, even on your hardest days, if you’re the default parent, you have it better than you might realize. By definition, you have a backup.
If I could turn back time, I would love to revisit moments from a year ago, especially when my partner would come home, scoop up our kids, and take them upstairs to play before dinner. Yes, I had planned and prepared the meal and cleaned up countless messes, but he was there, fully engaged, making our lives so much richer.
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In summary, while being the default parent can be challenging and overwhelming, it is essential to recognize the support and partnership that comes with it. Embracing the chaos can lead to a more fulfilling family life, even in the midst of the daily grind.
Keyphrase: Default Parent
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