It was my first year of high school when I returned home from an outdoor festival with friends. My mother and grandmother were waiting for me in the living room, and they seemed to have something significant to discuss. Confused, I sat down, unsure of what to expect.
They informed me that during my absence, they had decided to rid the kitchen of snacks and sweets, hoping I would substitute two of my meals with the weight loss shakes now neatly arranged on the bottom shelf of the fridge. To show their kindness, they had purchased chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavors for me to try. I could still enjoy dinner with the family—without a shake, of course.
“Look at how your stomach hangs over your pants a little. You don’t want that when you grow up, do you? It’s better to take control now,” they said.
I felt as if I had been struck in the chest. I couldn’t breathe or form coherent thoughts; I just stared at my “big belly” and cried.
Two decades later, I still recall every moment of that conversation. I remember sitting on the loveseat, clutching a fringed pillow, wearing a black tank top and my favorite American Eagle jeans, perfectly fitting at a size 4. Until then, I had never felt uncomfortable in my own body, nor had I questioned my self-worth.
That moment marked the beginning of a long struggle with self-acceptance.
In college, I became consumed by unhealthy habits, particularly during stressful periods or before family visits. I juggled a full-time, physically demanding job, took 16 to 18 credits each term, and worked out daily. My meals consisted of vegetable soup or energy bars, and I often pushed my food around my plate during lunch with friends. Sometimes I’d feel lightheaded in class or dizzy at work, but I’d push through until I could sneak a bite to eat.
Returning home, I would hear compliments like “You’re so skinny!” or “You look fantastic!”—comments that only reinforced my unhealthy choices. I found myself admiring the prominence of my collarbones in the mirror, equating thinness with attractiveness and worthiness.
Today, I reflect on that time with mixed emotions. Although I made cherished memories with wonderful friends, there also remains deep hurt and anger. I was not okay, yet those around me were oblivious to my struggles; they seemed pleased with my appearance.
Now in my 30s, I grapple with chronic anxiety and severe body dysmorphia. While I cherished my pregnancies, I dreaded looking at postpartum photos, particularly after three pregnancies in five years. I opted for the baggiest clothes, avoided cameras and swimming pools, and felt anxious during family visits, sensing their judgment.
Even with therapy, the seeds of self-doubt remain, planted on that fateful day when a carefree teen was told she was “getting too fat” and needed to prioritize weight loss over nourishment.
This is how we can unintentionally harm our children. While there are many ways to emotionally impact our kids, discussions that criticize their size or shape, or associate “fat” with shame can be particularly damaging. These conversations can alter how they see themselves and the world around them.
I didn’t recognize the need for anger as a heartbroken teen, but now, as a mother, I am furious. I would never approach my children in such a hurtful manner. The pervasive thoughts and tendencies I still face today are a constant reminder of the impact those words had on my life.
Please, do not let your child feel less than—less deserving, less lovable, less attractive—because their body does not conform to your standards. Avoid framing discussions about health and nutrition around weight loss.
I know I’m not alone in this experience; many share similar stories. If we learn better, we can do better.
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Summary:
This piece reflects on the long-lasting effects of critical comments about body image made during adolescence. It emphasizes the importance of fostering self-worth in children and avoiding harmful conversations that equate self-esteem with appearance. The author shares personal experiences to highlight the need for compassionate discussions around health and body image.
Keyphrase: undermining child self-worth
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