Two decades ago, I fell in love with a woman named Jessica. Throughout the years, we have journeyed together—moving from one state to another, renting homes, purchasing a condo, and eventually selling it to buy our current house. We celebrated our civil union when it was first legalized in our state, and later, we exchanged vows when marriage became legal. The day the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage was a joyous occasion for us.
Amidst these milestones, we expanded our family by welcoming three children. Together, we navigate the daily challenges of balancing work and life while striving to embrace the love and happiness that fill our lives, even during tough times.
While our relationship status has changed on various documents and in terms of legal rights, the essence of our bond has remained the same. We have always been partners, regardless of how lawmakers define marriage. Although I could label Jessica as my wife, I choose not to.
Legally, Jessica fits the definition of a wife. However, I prefer the term partner. During our college years, when we were both discovering that our feelings transcended friendship, we didn’t assign any labels to our relationship. The depth of what we shared was understood but unspoken.
Once we recognized that what we felt for each other was serious, we made quiet, personal vows. I had long accepted my sexuality, having confided in a few friends but not my family. For Jessica, realizing she was gay was a newer journey, and I helped her awaken a side of herself she thought might fade away. Yet, the connection we had—both lustful and loving—was undeniable.
In heterosexual relationships, there are plenty of terms to define different stages: boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, husband, and wife. As a couple navigating our identity in secrecy, we lacked those socially accepted labels. We hadn’t even met other same-sex couples until we found a support group for bisexual women and lesbians on campus.
Initially, we thought of ourselves as each other’s girlfriends, but we didn’t have anyone to share that with, so we remained quietly connected. Our beautiful yet secret bond was filled with fear and apprehension—worries about hurting those we cared about and the potential sacrifices we might have to make. But when the time came to embrace our truth, it felt like confessing to a crime; we were unsure of how to articulate our feelings.
During one group session, an older woman referred to her partner as her lover, which caused a side glance between Jessica and me. The confidence with which the word was spoken made Jessica blush, while I felt a mix of surprise and discomfort. The term “lover” didn’t fit us. Another member labeled her partner as her girlfriend, which felt too juvenile for our established connection. Then, an older woman introduced her partner as her… partner. That resonated with us.
The term “partner” may seem clinical to some, but for us, it encapsulated our commitment and shared journey. Our partnership is a vital union, laden with significance. While straight couples can easily use “husband” and “wife,” we carved out our own meaningful term. Partner became our way of acknowledging our love, a declaration of our bond that couldn’t be invalidated.
I often introduce Jessica as my partner, feeling a rush of anticipation for the listener’s reaction. I’ve expressed this in moments of pride, indifference, and even curiosity—wondering if they grasp the depth of what that term signifies. Over time, I’ve uttered it so frequently that some instances may have gone unappreciated. But regardless of how casually it’s said, the weight behind the word partner remains profound.
While some in the LGBTQ+ community have embraced the terms husband and wife prior to marriage equality, Jessica and I do not. Although our relationship certainly qualifies for the label of marriage, the word “wife” doesn’t carry the full weight of our journey, struggle, and love. When society dictated what we could not be, we discovered what we could be. We created meaning where it was denied.
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In summary, my relationship with Jessica transcends conventional labels. While the legal definition of marriage applies to us, the term partner encapsulates our unique journey and the profound bond we’ve formed over the years.
Keyphrase: “same-sex marriage partnership”
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