Before I met my partner, Jake, at the age of 32, I was a free spirit, flitting around like a butterfly among friends. My nights were often spent out and about, likely as a way to dodge the solitude. I’ll have to dive deeper into that in therapy one day. I was impulsive, excessive, and, to be honest, quite chaotic.
Then, fate intervened at a mutual friend’s wedding when I met Jake, my soulmate. Our early relationship was filled with joy, but we faced challenges like long-distance dynamics and job uncertainties. It was far from the calm I’m sure many expect. Tears were shed amidst love and uncertainty.
Fast forward three years, and we finally had our own apartment, got engaged, and a year later, we tied the knot. Less than a year after that, our first child arrived. Yet, tranquility was still elusive. As teachers, our jobs were never guaranteed, and we struggled to find our rhythm.
Just when we thought we could breathe, we faced the heartbreak of a miscarriage. Cue the chaos.
But soon after, we were expecting again! Life felt like it was finally on our side. It was as if we were bathed in a spotlight, ready for our big debut. Almost like we could hear a musical cue—“curtains up, lights on.”
Then, our baby was born with Down syndrome.
We had no prior indication, although I had spent nine months worrying it might be a possibility. The next year was a whirlwind of acceptance and overwhelming love. We dove into therapies and education, integrating ourselves into a new world while still tethered to our old one. The milestones we celebrated were different, and the unexpected positive attention caught us off guard. I found myself shedding layers and displaying fierce love and advocacy. It was a journey I can’t quite encapsulate in words, but it was far from a timid routine.
Soon after, we faced the untimely death of our dog, which added more upheaval to our lives.
However, we began to find our groove. Our little family was forming a cohesive unit, and we felt like a well-rehearsed act playing off each other’s energy.
Then, at 42, in true chaotic style, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. Panic surged within me; this was not part of the plan. We were the perfect family of four! I was frustrated because we had just started to feel stable.
Now, it’s been eighteen months since our youngest son was born, and he is a delightful whirlwind. I often hear, “You’ve really got your hands full,” and it’s true. I cry, vent, lean on my mom, and sometimes flail, yet I find moments of silent victory. I’m already contemplating a daughter, thinking about adopting a baby with Down syndrome, and even considering a degree in music therapy. I’ve also just received my Uber driver credentials. Chaos feels like an extra limb I can’t shake off.
I know I should meditate more—actually, I do practice meditation, prayer, yoga, and even take walks. But I haven’t surrendered my chaotic tendencies.
The term “chaotic” signifies a state of complete confusion and disorder, while “calm” serves as its opposite. Yet, I’m not confused about where I stand.
In my quest for understanding, I stumbled upon the word “frenzied,” which resonates with me. It represents an uncontrolled state, and I thrive in that environment. It’s akin to being a party girl who also enjoys knitting.
I write this piece seeking connection with others like me. While I attempt to temper my fascination with chaos, I wonder if there’s merit in fully embracing the wild ride of life. My epitaph might read “lived a life of chaos,” but it could equally say “No Regrets!”
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Summary
My life has been a series of chaotic events, from a wild youth to unexpected pregnancies and everything in between. Embracing chaos has become a part of my identity as I navigate motherhood, career aspirations, and the ups and downs of family life.
Keyphrase
chaotic motherhood
Tags
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