Those who seem to have mastered the art of raising perfectly behaved children are often the ones without kids of their own. You can spot them easily; they’re the ones without various food remnants smeared on their clothes or hair. Before stepping into the chaotic world of parenthood, I fancied myself a child-rearing expert. Here’s a look at my “expert” assertions versus the reality I’ve encountered.
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My kids will never misbehave in public.
I used to think my children would never throw tantrums in stores, those dramatic outbursts that sound as if they’re being chased by a ferocious shark through the cereal aisle. When the inevitable meltdowns do occur, I become the master of deception, asking nearby strangers if these wild ones belong to them or whispering, “I’m just the babysitter.” Sometimes, I even find myself complimenting my little ones on their impressive, albeit chaotic, displays of physical flexibility. -
I will never leave the house looking disheveled.
Oh, how naive I was! I frequently step out in public without having brushed my hair or even remembered to put on makeup. While I may not always care about my appearance, I do make sure I’m wearing pants—so there’s that. -
My kids will have a balanced diet.
Convincing my picky toddlers to eat anything other than crayons or stickers is a monumental achievement. If they choose chicken nuggets over green beans, it feels like I’ve hit the jackpot. To ease my guilt, I sneak in gummy vitamins twice a day—because, why not? -
My home will always be tidy.
Currently, my house resembles a toy factory that had an explosion. There are stuffed animals and clothes littered everywhere. I’ve learned that cleaning while kids are awake is about as effective as trying to clean up after a blender that’s still running. The only way my home might be clean is through spontaneous combustion. -
I will never be late.
The moment we need to go somewhere, my kids move at a pace that feels like time is reversing. They dart around the house with lightning speed—unless we have somewhere to be, that is. When time is of the essence, it feels as if they’ve mastered the art of procrastination. Don’t even get me started on the struggle of getting them to put on their coats and shoes. -
I won’t negotiate with my children.
Negotiation has become a crucial parenting strategy. For instance, if little Max wants ice cream, he must finish three more chicken nuggets first. Call it what you will—bribery or motivation—it works for me! -
I will not let my kids watch TV.
When winter days stretch on and cabin fever looms, the TV transforms into a lifeline. It’s the magical box that buys me at least 15 minutes of peace as I try to collect my sanity. -
I will never feel annoyed by my children.
Sometimes, I play hide and seek without informing anyone else, tucking myself away in improbable places like the dryer. It’s in these moments I sneakily enjoy some candy. -
Travel won’t be a hassle.
A simple trip to the store requires more preparation than the pioneers needed for westward expansion. If our ancestors had toddlers, they would’ve barely made it past Ohio before realizing they left behind a toy. Now, we do travel with our kids, but let’s just say I’m still processing our adventures in therapy. -
My kids will listen to me.
Listening seems to be a skill that eludes young children. They hear me, but responding? That’s reserved for when I’m practically yelling. By that point, I might as well be auctioning off livestock at a county fair.
Parenthood is a humbling journey. No experience tests one’s character, patience, and resilience quite like raising children—though perhaps surviving a winter in the Alaskan wilderness while being pursued by wolves might come close. Hopefully, those wolves are keeping their boogers to themselves while they chase you down at -40 miles per hour.
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Summary
I once thought I knew everything about parenting before having kids, but the reality is a far cry from my expectations. My assertions about perfect behavior, nutrition, and maintaining a tidy home quickly crumbled once the chaos of parenthood took hold. Despite the challenges, the journey is undeniably rewarding and filled with unexpected lessons.
Keyphrase: Parenting before kids
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