As I wrapped up my final week of maternity leave, I dropped off your enrollment packet for daycare today. It’s official—you’ll be joining your older sibling at “school” next week. Initially, I felt a twinge of guilt for sending your brother off while I enjoyed time at home with you. But I quickly realized how vital our one-on-one moments have been. He had 20 months where he was the center of my universe, and I dedicated 10 weeks completely to him after his birth. You, too, deserved this special time, and I needed it to bond with you.
Your entry into the world was relatively smooth; we were home from the hospital in just 48 hours. Within a week, I was out and about in my comfy stretchy pants. Unlike your brother, you were quite content to be laid down, which allowed me to catch up on precious sleep without worrying about every little breath you took. (And don’t let the pediatrician know, but I may have dozed off with you in my arms on more than a few occasions.) Breastfeeding was also much easier for us. I didn’t experience the same struggles I faced with your brother, where I spent weeks in tears and consulting lactation specialists.
While I juggled checking in with work and responding to emails—despite my PTO running out in just eight days—I created a maternity leave to-do list. It included tasks like “clean out closets” (done!), “learn to cook” (I actually used the oven more often), “finally create a will” (thanks to Uncle Mike, my lawyer), and “write a novel” (which clearly was a bit ambitious).
What I didn’t include on that list? Simply savoring the moments with you. Perhaps it was because my previous maternity leave was such a whirlwind of sleep deprivation and anxiety, or maybe my Type A tendencies just didn’t permit me to prioritize relaxation. Regardless, I missed what should have been my most important task—enjoying you.
In those early weeks, you spent much of your time sleeping. I could have relished in those warm snuggles, but instead, I busied myself with cleaning the bathrooms. Then came the illnesses; your brother was sick and home from daycare, I battled my own sore throat, and you caught RSV during a particularly rough cold and flu season. Between two terrifying days in the hospital (you were so brave), we spent our time at home either resting or dealing with runny noses. The to-do list remained untouched, and our family time wasn’t exactly the joyful bonding I had envisioned.
March arrived, bringing with it an end to our shared illnesses, and I suddenly realized I had less than four weeks left before returning to work. I could have spent afternoons engaged in tummy time with you, but instead, I was preoccupied with clearing my desk, organizing files, creating family budgets, and pushing you through store aisles, hunting for home bargains while reorganizing your and your brother’s closets.
Just like that, 11 weeks slipped away, and now I’m staring at the calendar, aware that I have just one week left. You’re lying on my lap, cooing at me with that infectious gummy smile that makes my heart swell and brings tears to my eyes. All I want is to remain in this moment with you, shaking the rattle you’ve been so captivated by and reading every book on your shelf—forgetting about work and everything else.
While I’m grateful to leave my unfinished to-do list behind to focus on you, I can’t shake the anxiety of returning to work and leaving you in someone else’s care for the majority of the day. One week. Just one week to soak up those precious gummy smiles and enjoy the warmth of your body as you drift off to sleep against my chest, sharing stories like Brown Bear, Brown Bear, and Guess How Much I Love You.
One day, I’ll discuss how inadequate maternity leave is in our country and advocate for new mothers to receive six months off with their newborns. But for now, I apologize for not fully embracing the early weeks together. I thought I had “free time” to tackle tasks, but it’s clear the most significant accomplishment of the past 11 weeks has been loving you.
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In summary, while I reflect on my maternity leave, I realize the importance of cherishing moments with my newborn over completing a to-do list. The love we share is the most valuable task of all.
Keyphrase: maternity leave reflections
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