As a parent, I often find myself reflecting on how my children mirror not just the best qualities of me and my partner, but also our less desirable traits. When they test my patience, it’s frequently an exaggerated reflection of my own characteristics, which I’ve humorously labeled as “persistent tendencies” after years of introspection.
On particularly challenging days, I remind myself that raising obstinate and strong-willed children, while tough, often leads to the development of independent and successful adults. I see this as a long-term investment that will eventually pay off when they become self-sufficient. The most difficult moments are often overshadowed by joyful laughter, heartfelt notes discovered in backpacks, and artistic creations that express love in the form of clay handprints or crooked coffee mugs. It’s as if there’s a balancing act that helps parents survive and children to grow through time.
In my 7-year-old daughter, I already recognize her resilience and determination. Just recently, while working with a construction block set that was missing over 40 pieces, I witnessed her at a crucial developmental juncture. Instead of succumbing to disappointment and tears, she adapted by using her brother’s collection of spare parts. She even took the initiative to write to the company’s customer service, which led to a thoughtful response and compensation. This experience sparked my imagination about her future career as a corporate leader, adeptly navigating obstacles with ease. She’s truly remarkable!
Yet, this adaptable nature has its downsides. As a natural problem-solver and peacemaker, I’ve noticed her tendency to prioritize others’ needs over her own in social situations. She often seeks to mend conflicts, even if it means sacrificing her own desires. And at home, two little words frequently echo throughout our day: “I’m sorry.”
This morning, as we baked muffins, she commented on a smaller muffin cup: “I’m sorry, Mom.” While making the bed, when a corner of the fitted sheet popped off, she said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” And when her brothers made a mess and noticed my frustration, she chimed in with another “I’m sorry, Mom.” The apologies seem endless.
While I want my children to be respectful and kind, the constant need for her to apologize for things beyond her control—simply for existing—is a behavior I wish to change. Her brothers and father don’t exhibit this pattern, and I realize that she’s picked it up from me.
I first noticed her frequent apologies around age 4 or 5, where “I’m sorry” became a common phrase in her speech. I attempted to correct her, explaining, “You don’t need to apologize for things you didn’t do or for simply being you.”
However, I soon recognized the source of her behavior: my own habitual apologies. Just this morning, when I asked her to check on the muffins while she was reading, I automatically said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were busy.”
This reflex has become a way of expressing regret for asking anything of her, for taking space, or for voicing needs. By saying “I’m sorry,” it feels like I’m teaching her to diminish her own importance. This issue of women being conditioned to downplay themselves is not new. Sheryl Sandberg has addressed it in her notable TED Talk, and I’ve even taken courses on the subject.
Recently at a business conference for women, I listened to a panel of female cardiologists with years of experience discussing their hesitations to negotiate contracts due to fears of being labeled as “difficult” or “pushy.” Even in 2023, women—regardless of their accomplishments—are still receiving messages to be compliant and quiet. I have unwittingly played a role in conveying this to my daughter, which deeply concerns me.
However, on a positive note, I am raising a young woman who values peace and resolution, ready to embrace accountability and apologize when necessary. These traits are admirable when one is genuinely at fault. My responsibility as her mother is to teach her not to accept blame that isn’t hers and how to stand firm against those who may feel threatened by her presence, intelligence, or assertiveness. Those are not grounds for an apology—never.
Each day presents an opportunity to correct this trajectory. It starts with me making a clear distinction between real responsibility (I am sorry) and empathy for others (I care about your feelings), and learning to communicate effectively without unnecessary apologies. No more “sorry confetti.” Sorry… not sorry.
For those interested in exploring more about home insemination, check out this insightful resource on artificial insemination kits. It’s essential to foster open conversations about pregnancy and family planning, and you can find more information at American Pregnancy.
In summary, I aim to empower my daughter to embrace her worth and express herself confidently. It’s a journey we are on together, and with each step, I hope to instill in her the understanding that she doesn’t always need to apologize.
Keyphrase: Teaching Children Not to Apologize Excessively
Tags: parenting, self-esteem, child development, women empowerment, communication, family dynamics, apologies