“Wait, you knew? And you still decided to go through with it?”
I felt a wave of discomfort wash over me as I spoke with a new acquaintance. “Well, wouldn’t you do the same if it were your daughter?”
She stared at me, her mouth slightly agape. Just wait, I thought. Here it comes…
With a deep breath, she uttered the words I’ve heard countless times over the past year: “You and your husband are such heroes!”
Her question referenced our adoption of Mia, a vibrant 5-year-old girl from Armenia. Mia was born with spina bifida, hydrocephalus, and congenital scoliosis, not to mention other unexpected challenges (like her body producing almost no growth hormones, making her the same height at nearly 6 as her sturdy brothers were at just 15 months). She can’t stand or walk and needs round-the-clock medical attention.
My husband Jake and I are a young, educated couple, part of the middle class, with a love for travel and plenty of opportunities ahead. As a military family, we often find ourselves far from relatives, moving frequently, and facing lengthy deployments and trips where Jake is away for weeks. We enjoy staying active, with Jake even dreaming of competing on American Ninja Warrior one day! Additionally, the financial burden of adoption wiped out our savings. We were already juggling our three young children, ages 3 to 8, before welcoming our new talkative addition, fully aware of the lifetime commitment her conditions would demand.
These facts lead to a mix of disbelief and unwarranted praise when people hear our story. They simply can’t fathom that we consciously chose and financed this path. I should be accustomed to this by now; I witnessed my parents receive similar accolades when they adopted my siblings.
But I’m not, and let me explain why.
Our Flaws and Fears
First, let’s acknowledge the obvious: Jake and I are human and have our flaws. We argue about parenting styles, occasionally lose our tempers, and sometimes forget to get insurance referrals before taking Mia to a specialist. Her adorable nature doesn’t always make up for our moments of impatience. We don’t speak Armenian, were new to adoption, and were certainly novices when it came to spina bifida.
Moreover, we faced intense fear — multiple times — when considering the adoption of Mia. From the outset, Jake and I felt deep down that, just as we were meant for each other, Mia belonged in our family. But that certainty didn’t make the journey easy.
So yes, we’ve experienced the fear, not of being unprepared (because every parent, whether biological or adoptive, feels that) or of what Mia’s medical needs might entail, but rather because we worried we wouldn’t be good enough for her.
The reality is that we are imperfect beings, flawed yet beautiful. All of us are. Jake and I simply chose to say yes despite feeling every ounce of anxiety possible. We persevered, learned, and grew because we understood that turning back and hiding from the challenge would haunt us far more than any mistakes we could have made with Mia.
The Problem with Labels
When people label us as heroes — suggesting they could never do what we did — they are inadvertently giving themselves an excuse. Essentially, they are telling themselves, “Only heroes like Jake and Jessica adopt, so since I’m no hero, I guess I can’t!”
And therein lies the most significant issue: By calling us heroes, individuals are closing themselves off from their own potential — and from any child who could one day enrich their lives in ways they never imagined.
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Summary
In this piece, Jessica Lane shares her journey of adopting a child with disabilities, challenging the notion that such decisions are reserved for “heroes.” She emphasizes the shared humanity and flaws of adoptive parents, the fears they face, and the importance of recognizing that anyone can make a difference in a child’s life.