In my family, there’s an intriguing tale about my great-grandfather and his seven brothers who decided to reunite in Nova Scotia after emigrating from the “Old World.” My great-grandfather, however, settled in St. Paul, MN, and we often joke that his poor sense of direction is a family trait. Since I began driving two decades ago, I’ve found myself lost on numerous occasions, relying on everything from traditional maps to MapQuest, and now GPS and Waze. Navigating life’s twists and turns without these tools would feel impossible.
For me, my mother’s presence served as my guiding compass. She was my constant source of support, my north star. I would reach out to her multiple times a day, sharing everything from the joys of my children’s milestones to the challenges of adult life. In fact, during a job interview, I mentioned that when faced with a problem, my first step was to consult my mom — she was my trusted sounding board.
My mother had a remarkable ability to uplift me when I needed it while also keeping me grounded when I strayed off course. Though I married my soulmate, my mother held a special place in my heart. Tragically, last week, I witnessed her take her final breath. Now, I find myself adrift, grappling with not only the absence of the most incredible person I’ve ever known but also the loss of my guiding light.
What do I do when my daughter delivers an outstanding lip sync performance, and I want to share it with my mom? Who can I turn to for advice when I’m navigating conflicts with my husband? When feelings of inadequacy as a mother overwhelm me, where do I find solace? While I have friends, my brother, my dad, and my husband to turn to, none can fill the void left by my mother.
The past couple of weeks have brought an overwhelming amount of tears. Yet amidst the grief, I have gained some perspective. My mother didn’t have to witness my demise; instead, I was there for her during her last moments. Although her life was cut short, she lived 16 years after a devastating cancer diagnosis, with 14 of those years in relatively good health. She attended my wedding and built connections with my children, experiences I once feared she wouldn’t have. Those moments are precious gifts, yet they do little to heal the aching emptiness in my heart.
In the week following her passing, I have felt the strength of my community. The outpouring of love for my mother from both lifelong friends and newer acquaintances has been incredibly moving. Upon returning from Florida to sit shiva, my home was filled to capacity for three days, with many friends who never met my mother but knew her through my stories. My community has been a lifeline, bringing meals, offering rides, delivering hugs, and checking in on me. Still, the question lingers: how do I navigate life now that I am without my mother?
I recognize that I am neither the first nor the last to experience the loss of a mother. Many are fortunate enough to have had exceptional mothers, just as I did. However, my mentor, best friend, and hero is no longer here to share laughter, guidance, or companionship. People often say, “she is always with you,” which feels like a platitude. While I know this to be true, right now, it feels as though I am attempting to traverse life with a blindfold, pretending I can see.
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In summary, the journey of losing a mother is profoundly personal and filled with heartache. While community support can help bridge the gap left behind, the absence of a mother’s love and guidance is a void that cannot be easily filled.
Keyphrase: Losing Your Mother
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