Recently, I had a heart-to-heart with a friend grappling with feelings of exclusion in her friendships. Many women I know are stressing over who to invite to their kids’ bar mitzvahs, anxious about the fallout from having to narrow down the guest list. One close friend of mine often feels hurt when she learns about two other friends spending time together without her, while another friend despises being the last to hear important news.
I too have experienced that sting of being left out—whether it’s a surprise birthday gathering I wasn’t informed about or social outings that happen without me. When these feelings of rejection surface, I find myself venting to my husband, all the while chiding myself for being immature. Yet, if I’m being childish, it seems I’m not alone in this sentiment.
As we enter our forties, aren’t we supposed to be more mature? Why do we still feel like schoolgirls whispering on the playground? What’s driving this emotional rollercoaster of adult friendships?
My core group of friends, formed over a decade ago after relocating to San Francisco, continues to thrive. We come from various backgrounds and experiences, having initially bonded as new mothers in playgroups and music classes. As new women have joined our neighborhood and our lives, our circle has expanded. Together we’ve navigated breakups, marriages, births, and even losses.
Our group has developed into overlapping “mini-circles” where some of us play tennis, while others enjoy family vacations or summer beach days together. As our children have grown, so too have our friendships deepened.
As my kids gain independence, my network of friends has also grown. From childhood companions to college best friends, my circle now includes fellow writers I’ve met online, gym buddies, and even the moms from my children’s school. Each connection offers a unique bond that enriches my life.
Gloria Steinem once said, “Women understand. We may share experiences… but women understand.” This connection often transcends age, background, and culture, creating a rich tapestry of friendships. My husband often chuckles as he realizes just when he thinks he’s met all my friends, another branch of my social tree emerges.
So why do feelings of insecurity and exclusion persist? Why do we fixate on one friendship that feels distant while our lives are overflowing with connections?
I believe friendship is influenced by chemistry, timing, shared interests, and history. Unlike our school days, we now face life choices that may not align with those of our friends. Just as our lives change, so too do our friendships; yet we often cling to the past, wishing things would remain static.
Friendships serve as anchors during life’s unpredictable shifts, and we yearn for those anchors to remain steadfast. When changes occur, we can feel vulnerable and unsettled. However, it’s essential to recognize that nothing remains unchanged; expecting a friendship to stay the same is unrealistic and can stifle its growth.
Zadie Smith aptly noted that friendships can become more complicated with age, and it’s common for women to struggle when faced with friends making different life choices. It’s crucial to understand that this change doesn’t have to be negative; friendships with strong foundations can endure tension and grow through adversity.
Whenever I find myself feeling isolated or disheartened, I remind myself and my friends that every connection is unique. Just because a close friend is forming new bonds doesn’t mean our relationship will diminish.
In yoga, we learn the importance of concentrating on our own practice. It’s okay to admire others without feeling envy. Acknowledging the beauty around us should inspire rather than diminish our own self-worth.
If you’re feeling down, it’s essential to communicate your feelings. We often discuss our woes with family and partners but hesitate to express ourselves to friends. Remember, relationships can weather a few storms.
In conclusion, navigating friendships in our forties can be just as complex as in our teenage years. It’s a journey filled with ups and downs, but embracing the evolution of our friendships can lead to deeper connections and understanding.
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