As part of my daily routine after dropping the kids off at school, I often find myself closing my son’s bedroom door, only to be met with a wave of frustration. Clothes are scattered across the floor, and papers are piled chaotically on his desk. Each time I shut the door, I can’t help but think, “What’s the deal? Is it really so hard to put the clothes in the hamper?” It never fails to put me in a sour mood.
Then, I step into my own room and realize the hypocrisy of my expectations. My pajamas are sprawled across the floor, and I remember how messy my own room used to be. It often resembled a tornado zone, with clothes everywhere.
I’ve come to terms with my imperfect nature. Sometimes I like to think I’m a recovering perfectionist, but that inner critic still lurks, waiting for an opportunity to surface. I constantly battle against this part of myself, and occasionally, it spills over into my parenting, leaving me feeling conflicted.
Rebecca Eanes, the author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting, wisely pointed out, “Children are often punished for simply being human. They’re not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, or even a sassy tone, while we adults exhibit these behaviors routinely. It’s time to stop holding our children to a standard of perfection that we ourselves can’t maintain.”
I must admit, I often find myself guilty of this mindset. There are plenty of mornings when I wake up in a foul mood, snapping at everyone around me for no valid reason. I feel entitled to my bad day simply because I’m the adult, right? But are we extending the same understanding to our kids?
I’m genuinely trying, but it’s no easy feat. The truth is that children often have underlying issues that lead to their outbursts or bad moods. It’s my responsibility as a parent to uncover these root causes—whether it’s due to a rough night’s sleep, bullying at school, or simply waking up on the wrong side of the bed. After all, they are human, too.
Yet, it’s all too easy to forget this truth. In moments of frustration, we might raise our voices, punish, or even withdraw from our child when they’re at their most challenging. With a toddler throwing tantrums and a teenager giving me the silent treatment, my patience is often tested.
At times, I look at my little ones and only see their neediness instead of recognizing that their behavior is part of genuine human experience. They aren’t trying to make my life miserable; they are exploring their own emotions and require love and support through the process.
Truth be told, I have my own needs as well. If there were a title for “Queen of Neediness,” I’d surely wear the crown.
I’ve been making an effort to communicate to my kids that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel angry or upset with me. However, it’s crucial that they understand that lashing out is not acceptable. They can retreat to their rooms to cool off, express their frustrations into a pillow, and later discuss what’s bothering them when they’re calmer. I strive to model this behavior for them, as it is essential to set the right example.
Navigating the fine line between disciplining for natural, human behavior and addressing unacceptable actions can be exhausting. Living in a family environment brings a whirlwind of emotions.
With a toddler’s foot-stomping, a tween’s eye rolls, and an angst-filled teenager, I often find myself questioning my own sanity. It’s vital to remind ourselves that these tiny humans we’re raising are just that—tiny humans. They deserve grace and compassion for their intense emotions. Punishing them for feeling upset or angry isn’t always the right approach.
Here are a few strategies I use to keep myself grounded:
- I ask myself if there’s something deeper going on with my child.
- I engage my kids and inquire if something is bothering them.
- I reflect on how I would feel if I were reprimanded in a similar manner.
- I consider whether I would face the same consequences for my behavior if I were in their shoes.
One afternoon, my son came home upset, clearly frustrated with everyone. My initial reaction was one of annoyance—I was feeling fine before he arrived. Why couldn’t he just cheer up? I thought about sending him to his room to spare myself from his emotional turmoil. But a quiet voice reminded me that what he really needed was my presence.
So, I paused, set aside my frustrations, and sat with him. Although he didn’t say much, I could see his breathing becoming more relaxed, and the tension easing from his face. What he craved was simple: my undivided attention.
The key takeaway is that there’s no universal solution that fits all situations. However, we must remember that our children are human too. Just as we’re not perfect, we shouldn’t expect them to be. If we release those unrealistic expectations, our families can experience greater happiness and harmony.
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Summary:
In parenting, it’s crucial to recognize that children are human and deserving of grace for their emotions. Instead of punishing them for natural behavior, we should strive to understand the underlying causes of their actions. Open communication, empathy, and modeling appropriate behavior can foster a supportive family environment.