Recently, my 6-year-old daughter attended her first baby shower. A close family friend is expecting a baby girl, and the party was child-friendly, which thrilled my kindergartner. She was captivated by the pink decorations and the candy buffet, and on our way home, she bombarded me with questions.
“Mom, if someone has another baby next year, can they have another shower?” she asked.
“I believe so. Every baby deserves to be celebrated,” I replied. “Plus, I’m always in favor of cake.”
“Are you planning to have more babies, Mom?”
I gently explained that I wasn’t, and soon after, she began sharing her thoughts about her future family.
“I don’t care if I have a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby!” she declared.
Hearing those words echoed my own sentiments during my pregnancy, where I often responded to inquiries about gender with the standard line, “as long as it’s healthy.” It was the socially accepted answer, but I hadn’t fully considered the implications of these words until I heard them from my daughter.
It’s common for many of us to use that phrase to avoid seeming ungrateful or to imply a preference for one gender over the other. I thought, what if I had a boy and revealed I actually wanted a girl? Would that suggest I was disappointed in my child or that I loved a boy less? We all want to convey unconditional love for our newborns, yet by saying, “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy,” we inadvertently imply that we desire perfection.
In reality, many parents navigate the joys and challenges of raising children with special needs, and I know just as many families in that situation as I do those with typically developing children. If I were in their shoes, hearing someone express that all they wanted was a healthy baby might feel dismissive and even hurtful.
Every parent I’ve met who has a child with special needs is deeply committed, grateful, and utterly in love with their child. I’ve never encountered a parent who stopped wanting their little one simply because they weren’t “healthy.” So why do we perpetuate this narrative?
What we often mean to express is our desire for our children to be free from suffering. I completely understand that instinct, as the thought of my daughter experiencing pain is unbearable. However, it is important to recognize that wishing for a healthy baby can unintentionally promote ableism and marginalize those who may not fit the traditional mold of health.
Instead of shaming those who use the phrase, we can lead by example and choose a more inclusive message: “I want the child I am meant to have.” This phrasing is kinder, more accurate, and it embraces all possibilities. By saying this, we open ourselves up to love and acceptance, free from the burdens of unrealistic expectations that can lead to disappointment.
When we express, “I want the child I am meant to have,” we affirm our love for the unique individual that is coming into our lives, regardless of their gender or health status. We embrace them for who they are, with their distinct personalities and quirks. I want them, no matter what, and I will love them fiercely, appreciating every moment we share together.
As we drove home from the baby shower, I asked my daughter, “Would you love your babies less if they were sick?”
“Of course not!” she giggled at the thought.
“Do you think I wouldn’t want you if you weren’t healthy? Never! I love you no matter what,” I reassured her.
“I’m going to love my babies the same way,” she replied confidently.
I took the opportunity to explain that not all babies are born healthy, and many children are different, yet they are just as deserving of love and happiness. No life is a disappointment; every baby should be celebrated, right?
“Right!” she chimed in.
“With cake,” I added.
“With cake,” she echoed, giggling.
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In summary, it’s essential to be mindful of the words we choose when discussing pregnancy and parenthood. Instead of expressing a desire for a “healthy baby,” let’s embrace a message of unconditional love for the child we are meant to have, celebrating every unique life that joins our families.