My daughter is no longer talking to me. She has disabled the tracker on her iPhone, and it seems she is spending her time with her father, harboring feelings of resentment towards me. And honestly, she’s justified in her feelings. I’ve let her down in ways that weigh heavily on my conscience. If this rift doesn’t heal, it would mark my greatest failure as a parent.
I can’t force my presence into her life. As a wise voice once said, “Mother don’t smother.” I’ve made that mistake in the past, trying to compensate for my shortcomings. But children need their space; they must be allowed to express their individuality, and it’s vital to respect their boundaries when they set them.
Many parents in recovery share a similar struggle, patiently attempting to repair the damage that addiction has inflicted on their relationships with their children. I truly believe addiction is to blame. I would never intentionally ignore or abandon my daughter. I can still hear her sweet voice calling for me during those phone calls while I was off gallivanting in distant lands. “Mommyyyyyyyy!” Her cries were both heart-wrenching and oddly comforting. She longs for my love, yet I failed to be there for her.
People warned me: if I didn’t change, I would lose my daughter. At the time, I dismissed their concerns, thinking they didn’t understand the bond we shared. I was naïve and proud.
Now, I find myself in a place of longing, hoping she will return to me, all while grappling with the ashes of my past mistakes. From the moment she entered this world, I knew she was something special. Born on New Year’s Day, she was a gift from the universe. Her father joked about her being a “little alien baby,” and in that moment, we both recognized she was unique, perhaps even destined for something greater.
Her stories about past lives were astonishing. I remember her vividly describing her life as a queen’s daughter in ancient Egypt, illustrating her imaginative spirit. Those memories are bittersweet, especially now that I’m confronted with the reality of my choices during those formative years.
While I was off at parties, my heart ached for her. I’d sit with a drink in hand, tears streaming down my face, vowing to get sober for her sake. I told myself I would return home once the celebrations were over, thinking that I could fix everything if I just prioritized sobriety. But time slipped away, and her childhood passed without me fully being there.
The memories of her snuggling close, singing together, and sharing laughter remain etched in my mind. I wish I could turn back time and do it all differently, but I realize that may not be possible.
Teenagers often harbor resentment toward their parents, and my past actions have compounded that disdain. “You’ve only been sober for a year,” my fourteen-year-old daughter told me recently. “That doesn’t fix anything.” Since then, we haven’t spoken.
But I want her to know I’m here, waiting for her. I understand the pain and betrayal she must feel; I’ve experienced similar feelings toward my own parents. Unforgiveness only weighs down the heart, and I hope we can break that cycle together.
Though I’ve learned from various mentors, my daughter remains my greatest teacher. The light that shined in her as a child reflects the wisdom of all the enlightened beings who came before us. They understood that we all make mistakes, and the journey often teaches us the importance of forgiveness.
I don’t want to miss another moment with her. I would endure any hardship to be the mother she deserves.
“I’m comin’ home, I’m comin’ home, tell the world I’m comin’ home…”
This article originally appeared on March 7, 2018.
For more information on home insemination options, check out resources like this page and this one. If you’re curious about in vitro fertilization, here’s an excellent resource that provides comprehensive information on the topic.
Summary
A mother reflects on the consequences of her addiction, which have led to a painful rift with her daughter. She expresses deep regret for missing out on precious moments and acknowledges the profound impact of her choices on their relationship. As she waits for her daughter to return, she emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and the lessons learned from their shared experiences.
Keyphrase: Addiction and Motherhood
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”