It’s easy to judge from the outside. “What a terrible mother,” some might think, or a variation on that sentiment. But before you jump to conclusions, let me share my perspective as a devoted mom on a journey of growth and self-discovery.
When I had my first child, I was determined to breastfeed. I followed all the guidelines. I pumped endlessly, consumed oatmeal, sipped milk tea, and took fenugreek, which left me smelling like a pancake for weeks. I felt the pressure—after all, breast is best. Yet, despite my fervent efforts, my milk never came in. Consequently, my little one became a formula-fed baby from the start.
The emotional fallout was profound. I grieved the loss of breastfeeding, experiencing the stages of mourning. I’d glance at the nursing tops I had bought while pregnant and feel a surge of anger. I’d find the breast pump parts languishing in the drying rack, and tears would flow. I feared that since I had failed at this critical task, I was destined to be an inadequate mother.
Now, here’s where it gets a bit personal—I also live with bipolar disorder. Yes, another unexpected twist, but trust me, it’s relevant. Bipolar disorder requires careful management. I take medication daily to keep my brain in balance and practice mindfulness and therapy to navigate life like anyone else with a chronic condition. One vital aspect of managing my health is ensuring I get regular sleep. As someone who battles insomnia and intrusive thoughts, maintaining a consistent sleep schedule is crucial.
When my first baby arrived, I was prepared for sleepless nights—but I didn’t fully grasp how it would affect my mental health. However, thanks to my inability to breastfeed, I found a silver lining. My partner and I adopted a 50/50 feeding policy, allowing us to share nighttime responsibilities. While I could focus on caring for our baby, he could step in and help, which meant more sleep for me.
This arrangement turned out to be a lifesaver. It allowed me to recover from childbirth without the risk of postpartum depression that loomed over me. My mood remained stable, and I was able to genuinely enjoy my time with my son. I can confidently say that bottle-feeding may have saved my life, as it kept me grounded and focused on nurturing both my child and myself.
Fast forward two years, and I’m thrilled to discover I’m pregnant again. We were hoping for a sibling for our first child, and while it wasn’t the planned timing, my excitement knows no bounds. Now, as I contemplate welcoming this new baby, I have made a decision: I do not plan to breastfeed again.
Some may label my choice as selfish or question my commitment to my child’s health. They might argue that I’m prioritizing my needs over my baby’s. However, I disagree. A healthy mother contributes to a healthy baby. This approach worked for my family, and it’s essential for my well-being as a parent. My children are thriving, and I’m ensuring that I’m mentally fit to care for them.
So, as I prepare for my new arrival, I’ll remember that what matters most is maintaining my health and happiness. After all, a content mom means a happier child. And come feeding time, I’ll be nudging my partner awake to help out.
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Summary:
In this candid reflection, Jamie Collins shares her journey of motherhood and mental health, explaining her choice not to breastfeed her children. She emphasizes the importance of maternal well-being and the positive impact of shared responsibilities in caring for a newborn.
Keyphrase: Why I Won’t Be Breastfeeding
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]