Oh joy! Another invitation for a “Ladies’ Night In!” Come and explore our latest offerings! Hair treatments! Nail wraps! Body wraps! Foot wraps! Candles! Oils! Chemical-free cleaners! Quirky Bohemian-style decor that looks vintage but isn’t! AAAAAAH! This is the moment I wish I could just snuggle under a blanket with a good book. Let’s be real: all this girly stuff is simply overwhelming.
At 37, I’m the person who strolls into these gatherings and introduces myself by saying, “Hi, I’m Lisa. I don’t really wear makeup, never been in a Sephora, don’t dye my hair, and shoe shopping isn’t my thing.” The other day, I had to Google “Chip Gaines” just to keep up with the chit-chat during school drop-off. Want to be friends?
I know, it’s a bit awkward. How did I end up like this? I mean, I am girly in some ways—I adore pink and glitter. But I generally snag my pink sparkly items on clearance at the local discount store. Perhaps I’m just annoyingly practical. And let’s face it, a bit lazy.
Every purchase needs to pass through at least eight levels of justification in my mind. Will this top pair with at least three bottoms? Trying new things feels like work. When someone suggests I need to give a “product” 30 days to see results, I think, are you kidding me? That’s like an eternity! I’ll just stick with my generic-brand moisturizers from Target, thanks.
Time flies, and the crow’s feet around my eyes spread their wings. Gray hairs appear sporadically, and I convince myself it’s just the lighting. Other moms chat about Botox while I’m over here thinking, ummm, I think I put mascara on once last week.
Soon enough, spring will arrive, and we’ll finally retire our boots for flip-flops. Moms will lament needing pedicures. Well, I get pedicures too—they just happen to be me painting my own toenails in the bathroom, Saturday night style. No sweet lady massaging my feet, just me, my own two hands, and some hot pink polish from my daughter’s collection. Have I had a professional pedicure? Sure, but only if it’s one of those “bring your own wine” events—THOSE I can get behind.
So when I get these event invitations, I can’t help but picture someone trying to sell me an $85 foot cream. Sorry, but these crusty heels are going to have to pass. On my list of things to spend $85 on, your fancy coconut butter foot rub is about #456.
Then there are those body wraps—yes, the kind you literally wrap around yourself. A good friend sells them, so I thought, why not support her and give it a try? She told me to leave it on for 45 minutes, and I’d emerge with taut skin, masking the evidence of my three large babies. What?! A miracle, right? So I thought, let’s go for it. What’s 45 minutes?
Well, I lasted a measly 42 minutes before I ripped that thing off and tossed it in the trash. It was the longest, itch-iest 42 minutes ever, and it didn’t erase the memory of those giant babies I carried (and no, Doritos on the couch wasn’t the issue).
Fancy accessories completely baffle me. Every few years, my mother-in-law gifts me a stylish purse from the outlet store, and I wear it until it disintegrates after far too many encounters with public restroom floors. A friend once showed off her new handbag, and when she revealed how much it cost, I nearly had a heart attack. I was convinced I’d somehow spill wine on it from across the room.
I. Don’t. Get it.
And as much as my late-30s, three-kid face suffers from my confusion over beauty products, my home isn’t doing much better. After moving recently, I decided it was time for a change. I’ve spent years admiring friends’ homes adorned with trendy barn wood frames and artisanal vases, while I cling to garage sale treasures from 2002. New house, new style, right?
However, after wandering around HomeGoods, mumbling to myself like a bewildered cat lady, I realized I was in over my head. I learned all sorts of new terms like “texture,” “pattern,” and “pop of color.” After spending a small fortune on decor designed to look “aged,” I can proudly say that one room in my home resembles the abode of a proper adult. Yay. I think?
I guess it’s a step in the right direction as I make my way toward adulthood. My years of practicality have served me well. With three kids in five years, cute wedge sandals were not a wise choice. Flip-flops ruled my world. Pregnancy and nursing led to sensible clothing that hid my even more sensible bras. Stay-at-home-mom life = sweats and an unkempt top knot (not because it’s trendy, but because I have a lot of unwashed hair).
But now, as I approach 38, my baby-making days are behind me. Hours can pass without anyone climbing on me, asking for help, or spilling juice on the rug. They’re growing up. So maybe I will too? Maybe I’ll actually take the time to learn what shiplap is and if I want it in my home? Or expand my makeup collection beyond the Revlon eyeliner and mascara I bought on sale at the pharmacy?
We’ll see. For now, I’m going to savor a hot cup of coffee and put my feet up on my ottoman (yes, I have an ottoman!) while wearing the slippers my kids gifted me for Mother’s Day in 2011. One step at a time, folks.
Summary
The author, Lisa, comically navigates the overwhelming world of fashion trends and beauty products while embracing her own practicality and confusion. From avoiding high-end beauty products to settling for DIY pedicures, she reflects on her journey toward adulthood and the changing dynamics of motherhood. As she learns to appreciate her own style and home decor, Lisa considers the importance of taking small steps toward growth and self-discovery.
Keyphrase
fashion trends and beauty products
Tags
home insemination kit, home insemination syringe, self insemination