I stumbled upon a blog post recently from a woman expressing her frustration at constantly having to remind her husband about household chores. This isn’t exactly a new narrative, and it certainly won’t be the last. It’s become a running joke among many women that husbands often resemble another child in the house needing care.
I have friends who can’t enjoy a night out without receiving a barrage of texts asking where the diapers are, how to cook pasta, and which pajamas belong to which child. I know a mom who, when her kids were babies, would wake up early every weekend while her husband snoozed. How did this become the norm?
Part of the reason may be that we tend to share our grievances more than our praises. Women often bond over the little annoyances caused by our partners, rolling our eyes in unison at the checkout line with a collective, “Men….” However, we rarely take the time to discuss the positive contributions our husbands make. I understand—we don’t want to come off as boastful. But if we only focus on the negatives, we set a very low bar for our partners. It leads to a mindset of “At least my husband doesn’t ___ like Ann’s,” or “At least my guy is more ____ than Sally’s.”
Let’s be honest: comparing partners is a common human tendency. While venting is cathartic and necessary, we should also balance it with recognition of the positives. After all, men aren’t children, and they deserve to be held to an adult standard.
Men are just as capable of managing household chores and parenting as we are. They should be our partners, not our subordinates. You’re not their boss, and you shouldn’t have to issue them to-do lists. They have eyes, and you’re not their mother.
- Dishes piling up? Bill, grab a sponge!
- Laundry overflowing? Tom, you know where the machine is!
- Baby needs a change? Ted, grab some wipes and roll up your sleeves!
Let them figure it out. If they’ve been out of practice, stop doing everything for a while. They’ll notice. And when they eventually ask, “Why isn’t the laundry done? I have no clean underwear!” just look puzzled and say, “Oh, I’m pretty sure I did the wash the last 635 times, so I thought this was your turn.”
If you keep setting the bar low, you can’t expect much more. If every time he performs a chore or changes a diaper, you act like he’s achieved something monumental, he’ll start to think he’s excelling at partnership. He’s not; you’re just lowering the expectations.
I know men can step up because my partner, Jake, is doing a fantastic job as a co-parent. I’m not saying this to brag; he’s not perfect, and we have our share of disagreements. However, we don’t track who does what. He’s a grown man, and I’m not his mother. When I go out, I never receive frantic calls asking how to handle something. He either knows or will figure it out, because that’s what adults do. While I appreciate everything he does, he doesn’t get a gold star for merely doing his share of the household tasks.
We’re all exhausted, and we shouldn’t have to care for adult men who act like children. Plus, we have little ones watching us. If you’re a woman teaching your kids about current events, gender equality, and women’s empowerment, those values need to be reflected in your home. My children don’t see chores as “women’s work.” They notice that I cook dinner, but Dad cleans it up. They know I’m more likely to handle midnight calls for bad dreams while Dad takes them downstairs in the morning. They see me vacuuming, but he’s the one who takes care of the laundry. We both contribute to the household.
So, unless your husband is showering you with praise every time you do something, let’s stop the ticker-tape parade for him when he does the same. And if you have a husband who already carries his weight, tell your friends! There’s no shame in it. We can be quick to share our partners’ faults, so let’s also highlight their strengths. Perhaps we’ll start raising the bar for all.
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Summary:
In a world where many women find themselves managing both their children and their husbands, it’s time to raise expectations. Men are capable partners and should not be treated like children. By balancing our conversations about their contributions, we set a higher standard for partnership and model equality for the next generation.
Keyphrase: Husbands as partners
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