My children have a knack for spinning tales about the silliest things. My teenagers will concoct stories about who devoured the last scoop of Chunky Monkey ice cream, whether or not they’ve tackled their homework, or if they truly logged off Netflix last night. Meanwhile, my youngest claims she’s changed her underwear or insists she’s eaten her greens, all while her hair resembles a bird’s nest after a storm. Seriously, kid, you’re not fooling anyone!
In our household, honesty holds significant weight, much like in most families. We strive for open and trusting relationships with our children, hoping they mature into reliable, truth-telling adults. Perhaps even more crucially, we wish to steer them away from behaviors that might lead to lies, such as sneaking beer from the fridge or TP-ing the neighbor’s house.
Yet, here we are.
From a young age, our kids have dabbled in what I call “minor fibbing.” In their toddler years, it was about deflecting blame or denying any wrongdoing. Although it can be unsettling when your child lies, it’s also completely normal. A study led by Professor Mark Thompson at Rutgers University found that when 2 and 3-year-olds were told not to peek at a toy, the majority peeked and then lied about it. By age 6, the rate of deception skyrocketed to 100 percent. So, rest assured, your little one isn’t the only “lying face” out there.
I grew up in a home where dishonesty was the cardinal sin, yet that didn’t prevent me from occasionally bending the truth. I’d fib about small things, like finishing the last few cookies, and as I got older, I’d tell bigger lies, like claiming I was at Jenna’s house when I was really out with my boyfriend. My parents would remind me that if I couldn’t be trusted with the cookies, how could they let me take the car?
I use a similar line with my kids: if you lie about something small, how can I trust you with more significant matters? After all, aren’t kids who lie destined for a life of crime, like those characters in shows like Ozark? Not necessarily.
Research indicates that lying may not be as detrimental as we think. In fact, it’s quite common for children to lie and, according to studies, it can be a sign of intelligence! Yes, kids who engage in deception often have higher verbal IQs than their more honest peers. In the toy study, the liars scored up to 10 points higher on IQ tests. So perhaps my kids are budding geniuses! (As a side note, the kids who never peeked at the toy in the first place had the highest IQs, but that’s a rarity).
There are other cognitive perks linked to lying. Studies by Dr. Lisa Rodriguez of McGill University and Dr. Sam Lee of the University of Toronto reveal that children who lie tend to exhibit better executive functioning skills—things like impulse control and planning—along with a greater ability to empathize with others.
Moreover, according to Thompson, there’s a connection between lying and emotional intelligence. Children who display higher emotional stability are often more inclined to deceive than to tell the truth. Why do kids lie? It could be to spare someone’s feelings or to avoid punishment—a form of self-preservation that can be quite useful. Even adults employ little white lies, like claiming they’re too busy to attend a gathering they weren’t invited to—because who wants that hit to their self-esteem?
The challenge for us parents is to nurture children who are clever enough to lie but still possess a strong moral compass. We want them to understand when it’s acceptable to stretch the truth without causing harm, yet we don’t want them to become deceitful masterminds. So, how do we instill the value of honesty?
Researchers Rodriguez and Lee found that punishing kids for lying isn’t as effective as rewarding them for being truthful. Expressing genuine happiness when they tell the truth can go a long way. Who doesn’t like a little positive reinforcement? Encouraging kids to make a promise not to lie also proves effective, as even younger children grasp the essence of commitment.
And if all else fails, consider offering them a little incentive. Professor Lee discovered that providing children with money to tell the truth worked, but only if the reward was 1.5 times greater than the payout for lying. It seems our little angels know how to negotiate!
In summary, kids lie, and research suggests it’s because they’re smart. So, perhaps lying isn’t as bad as we’ve been led to believe. If you ever need to uncover the truth, waving a few bills in front of them might just do the trick!
For more insights on family planning and parenting, check out this informative post on artificial insemination, or learn more about the topic at this Wikipedia entry.
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