Well, the day has finally come! My three-and-a-half-year-old, Max, is officially potty trained! Cue the confetti and crank up the dance music! It’s a monumental achievement for both Max and me. For a while, I was convinced he would be heading off to high school in a Pull-Up.
So, as I promised, here’s your guide on how to navigate the grueling journey of potty training in 36 hilariously frustrating steps.
- Start with the delusion that potty training will be a breeze and set sky-high expectations.
- Gradually lower those expectations. Nope, even lower. Now, drop them a few more levels—perfect!
- Purchase a $45 superhero-themed potty from an online retailer, complete with a handle that sings a catchy tune when flushed.
- Place the fancy potty in the bathroom to soon become an ill-fated piece of decor.
- Discover that your child would prefer to continue soiling his diaper rather than use the shiny new potty.
- Endure the same catchy tune played a million times because your kid loves that handle, even while still in a Pull-Up.
- Ask your child if he wants to sit on the potty, only to witness a dramatic display of tantrums.
- Buy cool superhero underwear to spark his interest.
- Dress him in the new underwear, only for him to still soil himself.
- Switch back to Pull-Ups.
- Offer candy as an incentive for using the potty.
- Hand over a mountain of candy in one day as he figures out how to stretch out his bathroom visits for maximum treats.
- Realize he’s still using his Pull-Up once the candy supply runs dry and decide to take a break until he’s truly “ready.”
- Change a diaper one day, only to find a mess that makes you question all your life choices, convincing you it’s time to try potty training again.
- Witness your child’s shocking backyard behavior and realize he’s aware of where to go, just not where to do it.
- Let him spend an entire weekend without clothes to encourage potty use.
- Celebrate his first successful poop in the potty and reward him with a new toy.
- Spend the following week extracting remnants of the toy from the carpet.
- Watch in horror as he pees in one of your favorite shoes.
- Breathe a sigh of relief when the weekend ends and you can finally put your clothes back on.
- Continue the no-clothes strategy whenever possible; it seems to be working.
- Attempt to persuade the babysitter to let him run around naked, only to receive a firm refusal.
- Decide it’s time to try underwear again.
- Convince him that superheroes wear underwear, and Batman even wears his on the outside!
- Spend weeks in the bathroom, holding a tablet and playing the same irritating children’s song while he tries to go.
- Celebrate a few successful trips to the potty.
- Clean up pee from the floor about seventeen times.
- Fish out his favorite action figure from the potty after an unfortunate incident with a successful poop.
- Discard multiple pairs of underwear because some things are just too gross to clean.
- Wake up multiple times at night due to accidents.
- Finally realize he’s starting to understand the potty concept.
- Celebrate and express how proud you are of his accomplishments.
- Acknowledge that he’s 99% potty trained, and it only took a year of effort.
- Store the unused $45 potty in the basement for future use by his little brother.
- Panic when you have to take him to a public restroom, and he sits on the disgusting seat before you can intervene.
- Conclude that perhaps you should have had even lower expectations, but rejoice in the fact that you are now free from buying diapers, prompting you to consider having another baby.
There you have it—your roadmap to potty training in 36 extremely tedious steps. Anyone can do it! You can thank me in a year when you have successfully navigated this maze.
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Summary
This guide humorously outlines the challenging journey of potty training a child, detailing the ups and downs faced by parents through 36 steps. From unrealistic expectations to eventual success, the process is both frustrating and rewarding.
Keyphrase: potty training tips
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