Recently, before the heartbreaking reports of the school shooting in Florida emerged, I found myself reading a discussion in a parenting group. Many parents suggested that the best way to handle a toddler’s biting was to retaliate—by biting them back, flicking their mouths, or even using hot sauce. Instead of responding with compassion, understanding, or teaching, the suggested responses involved inflicting pain and punishment.
Not long after, I was bombarded with the devastating news from Florida: images of frightened teenagers hiding under desks and evacuating their school with their hands raised, the number of casualties rising with each refresh of my browser. Like many others, I spent that day contemplating the ongoing epidemic of violence in our society: mass shootings, domestic abuse, toxic masculinity, and a culture that often perpetuates harm.
Five years ago, while expecting my son, I sat at my desk, tears streaming down my face, as news from Newtown, Connecticut unfolded. I was eight months pregnant, grappling with the realization that I was bringing a child into a world capable of such horrors. Fast forward to now—six months pregnant with my daughter—and I experienced the eerie sensation of déjà vu as I watched terrified children flee a school, past the bodies of their peers.
The years have passed, and the only noticeable change has been the alarming rise in such acts of violence. Since that day, over 400 individuals have been shot in more than 200 school shootings. It begs the question: can we truly be shocked by the number of individuals who grow up to inflict pain on others when, as a society, we still endorse practices that normalize violence in parenting from an early age?
Now, I’m not suggesting that if you spank your child, they will inevitably become a school shooter—that’s a gross oversimplification. However, when we have an eighteen-month-old who expresses frustration through hitting or biting, and our reaction is to respond with similar aggression, we are setting a troubling standard.
We send a clear message: the world is dangerous, and even those who are supposed to protect them can be unsafe. They learn that expressing emotions can lead to punishment and that big feelings are inherently linked to violence.
The toddler who is retaliated against grows into a three-year-old who is punished for accidents, which turns into a six-year-old shamed in front of friends for mistakes. As they grow, they learn to hide their misbehavior rather than develop a moral compass rooted in empathy and understanding. By the time they reach their teenage years, they possess a wealth of skills and knowledge, alongside a deep-seated fear of punishment.
While I’m not here to outright condemn spanking, I urge parents to recognize that their child’s behavior is a form of communication. Kids aren’t inherently “bad” or trying to annoy you. Behind every action lies a message. When we resort to punishment without understanding, we overlook vital opportunities to connect and discover what they truly need to feel secure and supported.
It’s easy to point fingers at various causes of our violent culture—guns, mental health, media—but it’s crucial to reflect on our roles as parents. Take a moment tonight to observe your children and consider the messages you may be unintentionally sending about their self-worth and the safety of the world around them.
Recognizing how your interactions shape their worldview can profoundly influence who they become.
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In summary, the way we choose to respond to our children can have lasting effects on their emotional development and the society they help shape. Encouraging open communication and empathy over punishment can foster a healthier, safer world.
Keyphrase: Preparing Kids for Violence
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