Yesterday felt like just another ordinary day. I woke up, showered, got myself ready, and then went to wake up the kids. Meanwhile, my partner, Alex, also showered, got dressed, and took the dogs for a walk. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare. We spent the day working and then picked the kids up to head home.
Upon arriving, Alex took our toddler downstairs to see the puppies (who, let’s be honest, were the real stars of the show). I took off the baby’s jacket and my own, hanging them in the closet, and made sure to put my shoes away (trust me, this detail matters). After changing clothes, I started clearing off the kitchen table while the baby played at my feet.
That’s when it happened. Alex and the toddler returned from their puppy adventure. Alex took off the toddler’s jacket and sneakers, placing them on the kitchen table before heading to the cupboard for a snack. I couldn’t help myself; I turned and asked, “Could you at least put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As I uttered those words, I realized how ridiculous it sounded. “Can you help me out?” flashed a montage of past moments where I’d asked for similar small favors. Can you help me out by putting away the kid’s jacket? Or rinse your plate? It suddenly dawned on me that these requests were framing him as a helper rather than my equal partner. So I said it out loud: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me; it’s just taking care of your child’s things.” He didn’t say anything, but he put them away.
In that moment, I resolved never to ask Alex for help again—unless it’s for something that genuinely requires assistance, like dealing with an oversized insect that has invaded our space. Here’s my reasoning:
1. It Undervalues His Role
Alex is an adult and a fully capable partner. He should not be seen as my helper or someone who needs my guidance to contribute. His contributions are valuable on their own. If there’s something he hasn’t noticed, I can simply mention it without framing it as me needing help. When he asks me to get the baby a bottle, he doesn’t frame it as a favor; it’s about what needs to be done in our busy household.
2. It Places Unfair Burden on Me
I don’t single-handedly bear the responsibility for keeping our home organized or ensuring the kids are cared for. By using phrases like “help me out,” I inadvertently take on more ownership of these responsibilities. There are many things I’d love to own, like a luxurious yacht or a laundry-folding machine, but shouldering all household duties isn’t one of them. I want to equally share that load.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids
I don’t want our boys to believe that simple tasks, like putting the toilet seat down, should be viewed as favors. I want them to understand the importance of being committed partners who take pride in contributing equally.
4. It Erodes Our Partnership
Alex is my equal partner, and while we may not always approach tasks in the same way, our goal remains the same: to nurture a happy, healthy family (and avoid our home becoming a disaster zone of toddler snacks). I don’t want to instruct him, nor do I want him to see himself as just helping me. His role is to be a father and my partner—and yes, to handle any creepy-crawlies that may threaten our peace.
So next time I find his clean laundry stashed in the dryer for a week, instead of asking him to help by folding it, I’ll just point out that his things are in my way.
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In summary, I’ve come to recognize that my partner is not just a support system but an equal contributor to our household. By changing the way I communicate our needs, I can foster a more balanced and respectful partnership—one that sets a positive example for our children.
Keyphrase: Equal partnership in parenting
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