The thought of trying for a second child has always been appealing to me, yet I’m heading back to birth control. My partner and I have faced secondary infertility for a couple of challenging years. Two years is a lengthy time to be trapped in your own thoughts—monitoring cycles, timing intimacy, and hoping for those elusive two pink lines. We’ve finally hit our wall.
It’s difficult to explain why we’ve made the decision to stop trying. I often hear comments like, “Just relax, and you might get pregnant!” or “Maybe when you stop thinking about it, it will happen!” While I understand the sentiment, those phrases feel like empty reassurances. I’ve seen stories of couples who conceive after ceasing to try, but that’s just not my reality. I can’t simply switch off my desire. We’ve been in a state of limbo, and it’s exhausting. With every month that passes without success, hope morphs into despair, and that cycle is hard to break.
After a particularly tough moment, I visited my doctor and, tears in my eyes, requested birth control. Do I still yearn for another baby? Absolutely—my heart aches for it. Yet, I recognize that my spirit isn’t in the same place anymore. My doctor suggested a few medications and even mentioned the possibility of IVF. For a moment, hope flickered back to life. She expressed her wish to prescribe prenatal vitamins instead of the pill, and I echoed that sentiment. I don’t think I’ll ever fully accept how things have unfolded, but I realize that choosing birth control is the next logical step in our journey.
Infertility has impacted every aspect of my life. It has chipped away at my self-esteem and left me feeling betrayed by my own body. The joy I once felt has been overshadowed by a persistent heaviness in my heart. At the same time, I grapple with the fear of closing this chapter. What if, a year or even a decade from now, I regret not trying harder? I fear my daughter will feel incomplete without a sibling. She often asks for one, but at her age, she doesn’t quite grasp the complexities of our situation. We tell her that every family is unique; some have many kids, some have one, and some choose not to have any at all. I can’t predict how this will shape her or if it even will. She is our miracle, the center of my universe.
There’s a profound loneliness that accompanies infertility. I’ve often felt isolated in my experience, especially since I’m already a mom. Why can’t I just appreciate what I have? While I’m hesitant, I’m ready to move on from the feelings of helplessness that infertility brings. I want to redirect my focus toward new aspirations.
That said, moving on is easier said than done. Acceptance is a work in progress for me, and I’m not even sure it’s fully attainable. Part of my healing involves eliminating the possibility of pregnancy. I recognize that this might be hard for some to understand, but if there’s a chance of conceiving, I’ll remain fixated on the hope that this month might finally be the one. Birth control is crucial for my healing and for letting go of that hope. It’s a tough decision to make—both literally and figuratively! I truly dislike this.
I don’t have any sage advice to offer. I’m simply taking things one step at a time. I’m not trying to find a silver lining in this situation because, for me, there doesn’t seem to be one. I don’t subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason. Life can throw some pretty tough challenges our way, and those experiences can hurt and test us.
However, the truth is that nothing lasts forever. I’m learning to coexist with my feelings. Sharing such a personal journey isn’t for everyone; in fact, it’s usually not for me. But I felt compelled to open up about this part of my life because it resonates with so many. I’m grateful for the incredible women who have surrounded me with support.
I came across a powerful quote by Alex Elle that truly encapsulates my journey: “Acknowledge your pain. Let it surface and spill over. Give it permission to make an uncomfortable mess. Healing can happen this way and so can emotional freedom. Face it all. Free it, too.”
If you’re exploring your own journey, consider checking out resources on artificial insemination, such as this link for a deeper understanding. If you’re looking for home-based solutions, check out the Cryobaby Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo or the At Home Insemination Kit.
In summary, while I dream of expanding my family, I recognize the need to pause and heal. The journey through infertility is fraught with challenges, but I’m embracing the journey ahead, albeit with a heavy heart.
Keyphrase: Secondary infertility and birth control
Tags: [“home insemination kit” “home insemination syringe” “self insemination”]