Growing up in a charming small town came with its own set of experiences that I cherished: sprawling farms, spirited football games, and churches on nearly every corner. Even after moving away for college and finding my soulmate, I longed to return to my hometown for the wedding I had always imagined.
On that special day, as I walked down the aisle of a Southern Baptist church, everything felt idyllic. I wore a stunning white dress, and my fiancé beamed at me from the altar. Yet, amidst this moment of joy, an unexpected wave of emotion hit me: I felt… ashamed?
Here I was in my childhood church, dressed in white, but I wasn’t the embodiment of purity that the culture had preached. I grew up during the height of the Purity Movement, a time when young girls in youth groups attended True Love Waits events long before they even understood their own bodies. I had participated in one such rally in the very church where I would later say “I do.”
I vividly remember a speaker presenting a delicate pink rose, exalting its beauty, fragrance, and purity. Then, he passed it around the audience for everyone to touch. After it had been handled by countless hands, he returned it to the stage, now wilted and lacking its original scent. The message was painfully clear: like that rose, our purity was precious, and once it was lost, we were rendered undesirable.
The entire exercise left us girls in a state of discomfort, realizing that our worth was tied to our perceived purity. The experience culminated in a bizarre ceremony where we were gifted purity rings by our fathers as a pledge to remain chaste until marriage—a concept that now makes me cringe.
Although I distanced myself from that toxic ideology long ago, I still identify as a Christian. I recognize the spiritual aspects of sexuality and the profound connection it can create between partners. However, I firmly reject the Purity Movement and its damaging teachings. I refuse to pass this shame-laden doctrine onto my children.
Here’s why:
1. Shame-Based Ideology
Teaching children that sexuality is only acceptable within marriage sets them up for shame and confusion. As they grow, their natural desires may clash with imposed moral standards, leading to feelings of self-loathing. Young people shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of their bodies and their inherent desires.
2. Toxic Double Standards
The rose analogy was never aimed at young men. The Purity Movement promotes inconsistent standards for girls and boys. While women are pressured to preserve their purity, men face no such expectations. This disparity teaches boys that sexual exploration is permissible while girls are vilified for similar actions.
3. Victim Blaming
I need to share a painful truth. The person who took me to that purity conference and gave me a purity ring was a family member who had sexually abused me. This experience compounded the shame and confusion I felt in that church. When purity is idolized, victims of assault carry an unbearable burden of guilt for something that was not their fault.
4. Ineffectiveness
The bottom line is that abstinence-only education fails. Studies have shown that children in such programs are not more likely to delay sexual activity or have fewer partners. Instead of fostering healthy discussions about sexuality, these teachings instill shame and inhibit young people from seeking necessary resources and support.
So, what should we do as parents of faith? I wish there were straightforward answers. I plan to engage my children—one son and one daughter—in open, honest discussions about their bodies and sexuality. I’ll stress the importance of consent and discuss the emotional ramifications of sexual relationships. Moreover, I’ll educate them about protection, ensuring they feel empowered rather than misled.
Most importantly, I want my daughter to know she is not a wilting flower. Her worth is intrinsic and not diminished by her sexual choices. I aim to create an environment of love and understanding, free from judgment and shame, where we can talk about sexuality candidly.
In summary, the teachings of religious abstinence are not only harmful but also ineffective. As we navigate these complex topics, we must prioritize honesty and love over outdated ideologies.
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