A few days ago, while I was rummaging through old photographs to decorate the corkboard in my home office, I stumbled upon some cherished images of my partner and me. There we were, sharing laughs by the lake, enjoying a county fair, and getting spooked at a horror film festival. Our smiles were radiant as we strolled down the street, arms linked. As I gazed at those pictures, a thought crossed my mind: “I’m not that person anymore.”
Over the years since we exchanged vows, I’ve transformed immensely—and so has he. I doubt anyone from six years ago would recognize us today, and that’s a positive change. We have influenced each other’s growth, which is precisely what a marriage should do. It should motivate you to evolve into the best version of yourself. The advice that one shouldn’t attempt to change their partner baffles me; it’s misguided. You should want to inspire your spouse to grow, as long as it leads them to become a more confident, resilient, and healthier version of the person you love.
Think of a sports team; teammates don’t aim to change one another but rather support, train, and practice together to excel. That’s the essence of marriage.
My partner never pressured me to alter who I was—he wouldn’t dream of it. The changes were gradual as we journeyed through life together. When we first met, I was still navigating my way through adulthood. In my mid-20s, I was stuck in a relationship that didn’t fulfill me, working a dead-end job, and struggling to complete my college education after years of starting and stopping. I felt lost, like an awkward duckling going around in circles, unsure how to break free from the pond.
On those tough days when I felt unattractive and heavy, he was the one who reminded me of my beauty. When I was disoriented and unsure, he reassured me that I had a purpose. When I faced setbacks in school, he encouraged me, reminding me of my potential to achieve my dreams. He consistently highlighted the strengths he saw in me, until I began to believe in myself.
Now, as I wake each morning to prepare for a career I once thought was beyond my reach, I find myself reflecting on the woman I’ve become. “Who are you? Where did you come from?” I still look similar (maybe just a few pounds heavier and a different hairstyle), but I know I’m not the same person I was. That man I married? He played a crucial role in my transformation. He embraced a once-confused young woman who struggled with self-esteem, and through his unwavering support, helped her blossom into a confident individual ready to take on the world. He didn’t demand change; he simply said, “I love you, and I believe in you.”
That message was transformative.
We grew together, yet also independently. I finished my degree, polished my resume, nailed interviews, and began my career. We made major life decisions together, like moving to a new city and creating a budget for our future. He has also flourished, taking charge of his life, establishing healthy boundaries, launching his own business, and standing firm in his beliefs.
We are not the same people we once were, and that’s a beautiful evolution.
Don’t heed the advice that suggests you shouldn’t inspire change in your partner. While you shouldn’t force them to alter who they are, you should absolutely foster their growth. Support their dreams, encourage their aspirations, and help them cultivate self-love and confidence. Through the partnership of marriage, both of you should be empowered to take ownership of your lives—together.
So here we are: I’m not that woman anymore, and he’s not that man. We have evolved, matured, and grown, and we’re both significantly better for it.
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Summary
Over the years, both my partner and I have undergone significant transformations since our marriage. Rather than resisting change, we supported each other’s growth, ultimately becoming better individuals. Marriage should encourage personal development, and through love and understanding, we can inspire each other to thrive.
Keyphrase: personal growth in marriage
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