I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t faced this uncomfortable situation. You’re with a man you trust, perhaps someone you’re newly dating or a long-term partner, and there’s a disconnect about where things are heading sexually. We’ve all experienced that moment when we’ve pushed a hand away, asked him to slow down, or tensed up when things began to escalate too quickly.
At some point, many of us have felt ignored. We’ve had to repeat ourselves, shift away to the other side of the couch, or make excuses to leave the room. Many of us have felt our bodies tense up before going limp, going through with activities we didn’t want to engage in, often out of fear of conflict or violence, or believing that compliance was the easiest escape.
Even after being pressured and coerced, the onus remains on us. Whether we give in incrementally or they take everything they want, any uncertainty makes us the ones deemed responsible for sending “confusing signals.” And that’s complete nonsense.
Confusing signals don’t exist. If a person is sending hints that they’re not entirely on board while making half-hearted attempts to placate you because you won’t back off, that’s still a no. If you can’t understand that “Not tonight,” “I’m not comfortable,” or “Let’s just cuddle” followed by a woman detaching emotionally while she submits is not consent, here’s an important tip: Just don’t proceed.
“Confusing signals” translates to “I don’t respect her enough to acknowledge her cues that she’s uncomfortable because I still want to pursue.” Society has conditioned us to view sexual encounters as either consensual or violent rape, but there’s a vast gray area that encompasses many cases of sexual assault. This is where instances involving individuals like Mark and Jake reside. While gray areas imply ambiguity, most encounters in this realm aren’t recognized as assault due to patriarchal norms.
One of the significant impacts of the #MeToo movement is addressing this gray area. The belief that sexual assault is not black and white is simply incorrect. Sexual assault is definitively black and white: it either occurs or it doesn’t. While it’s acknowledged that there are varying degrees of sexual assault, those who perpetrate such acts should face consequences, regardless of their status or position. There’s no constitutional right to keep your Netflix series after committing sexual assault.
If enthusiastic and ongoing consent isn’t present, it’s not consensual. If this idea makes some men uncomfortable, that’s their issue to resolve. Women are not responsible for men’s discomfort about potentially missing out on a maybe. Both men and women should feel free to check in with each other during a sexual encounter, whether it’s to celebrate mutual enjoyment with a high-five or to pause if someone feels uneasy.
If you’re unsure about whether explicit consent has been given, take a moment to ask if she’s comfortable. If you think that might ruin the moment, it’s time to reflect on the problematic dynamics at play. Don’t guide us toward your genitals; we know where they are and will access them if we’re interested. If we pull away, it’s not because we’re lost—it’s because we don’t want to engage.
Don’t attempt to ease a woman’s reservations by promising to just hang out, only to disregard that promise. Turning on a sitcom to ease the tension before trying again isn’t just inconsiderate; it’s manipulative. The absence of a firm no does not equate to consent.
The expectations for preventing sexual assault are often unevenly distributed. If a woman is paralyzed by fear and her initial protests go unheard, the narrative shifts to her needing to voice a forceful no or physically resist. But it shouldn’t be on her to navigate such a treacherous situation.
If you feel you’re receiving “confusing signals,” stop immediately and withdraw. The only signal you’ve received is to halt. There’s nothing ambiguous about it.
This article was originally published on Jan. 15, 2018.
In summary, the notion of “mixed signals” is often manipulated to excuse inappropriate behavior. Consent should always be clear and enthusiastic. It’s crucial to respect boundaries and understand that the absence of a firm objection is not an invitation. For more insights on navigating complex topics like insemination, check out this resource on artificial insemination and our detailed guide on home insemination kits.
Keyphrase: “consent and sexual assault”
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