“Your child is adorable! Are you his caregiver?”
In the first year and a half of my son’s life, I faced this question multiple times each week. Once he began to speak, the puzzled looks intensified when he referred to me as “Mommy.” Instead of asking if I was the nanny, people appeared bewildered at the sight of me being his mother.
We still encounter those looks today.
I often want to wave my hands and shout, “Yes, I’m a Black woman! Yes, I’m his mother! He literally came from my body, and if you ask me again if I’m his nanny, I might just lose it!” But instead, I just nod and move on, refusing to satisfy their intrusive curiosity.
After four years, I shouldn’t be surprised, but the frustration is real. It’s not just my experience—many mothers of color, especially those with mixed-race children, face similar assumptions.
Not long ago, a video went viral of a little girl interrupting her father during an important BBC interview. A woman rushed in to retrieve the child, only to be followed by another little one in a walker. While I found it amusing as a work-from-home mom, the comments that followed tagged the woman as “the nanny.” Why? Because she was Asian and the interviewer was white. Once it was revealed that she was the children’s mother, some people dismissed the initial assumption as a misunderstanding based on her demeanor.
However, there’s a deeper issue at play. Women of color are frequently seen as “the nanny” until proven otherwise. When I’m out with my son, I often have to clarify, “Oh no, he’s mine!”
If you search for “mixed-race family” on stock photo sites, about 75% of the images depict families with a man of color and a white woman. According to Essence magazine, Black men are more likely to date outside their race than Black women. Yet, many of my friends in interracial relationships are women of color. In 2023, it’s baffling that people still see a Black woman with a child who may resemble their father and immediately assume she’s the nanny or caregiver.
It’s both ignorant and insensitive to ask a stranger about their child’s parentage. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but here we are.
The underrepresentation of mothers of color with mixed children contributes to this issue. Several times, kids have asked me outright, “Why is your son white?” I handle these questions with patience, explaining that his dad is white and that he looks like him. However, it highlights a lack of understanding about diverse family structures among many.
My son is approaching school age, and I dread the questions he’ll face from peers. I refuse to teach him to endure this line of questioning passively. It’s not his job to answer “What are you?” repeatedly while simply trying to live his life.
As a Black mother of a fair-skinned child, my experience is distinct. When I say my son often presents as white, some people seem uncomfortable. While they may insist he looks just like me, he has his father’s features, too—and that’s perfectly fine. Mixed children can embody a range of appearances.
Stating that my experience as a Black mother differs from that of a white mother with mixed kids isn’t defensive; it’s a fact. A white mother isn’t usually labeled as “nanny” based on initial impressions, nor is she questioned about her kids’ skin tones as frequently as I am.
This isn’t my first discussion on this topic. The dismissive attitudes toward women of color in such situations are rampant: “Can’t you just enjoy your child?” “Why does it matter what others think?” “Why are you so sensitive?” “People don’t mean anything by it.”
But the key question remains: Why do people feel entitled to inquire about my child and our relationship? Compliments are welcome; I know my son is wonderful, and I appreciate the kind words. However, when you cross into invasive territory, questioning our bond or his heritage, you’ve gone too far and deserve to be called out.
Discussing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive. We’re not required to overlook ignorance and curiosity that invade our personal lives.
I’m not the nanny, and I owe no one an explanation.
For more insightful conversations around family dynamics, be sure to check out this article on home insemination kits. If you’re interested in fertility topics, this resource provides valuable information. And for those navigating pregnancy, Healthline is an excellent resource.
In summary, the assumptions and ignorance surrounding mothers of color with mixed-race children remain a significant issue. It’s vital to acknowledge and address these biases rather than dismiss them.
Keyphrase: Mothers of color and assumptions
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