It was a typical afternoon at my former mother-in-law’s kitchen table, where I found myself battling my 9-month-old son as he rejected his carrots. He usually enjoyed most foods, but carrots were a hard no.
After observing my struggle for a few moments, she rose and remarked, “I don’t understand why you’re having such a hard time. My kids never had issues with sleeping or eating. They just did what they were told.” With that, she turned her back and resumed washing the dishes.
I couldn’t help but retort, “So they were like little robots? Where can I get one of those?” My snarky comment only served to deepen her irritation, leading her to recount how she managed her household. Despite having four children in quick succession, she insisted that her husband’s only responsibility was to work outside the home while she took on all domestic duties. “He never changed a diaper or got up at night; he had to work,” she declared.
I had heard this narrative many times before. It was clear to me that she was subtly suggesting I was over-relying on my husband for help, as if I should be able to manage everything on my own. For the record, my husband was always very involved with our children—he had no problem changing diapers or waking up at night. The real issue was how his mother had operated throughout his upbringing.
According to my ex-husband, his mother rarely voiced her opinions or challenged his father. She allowed him to take charge and avoided discussing any uncomfortable topics, often pretending everything was perfectly fine. But we all know that’s not the reality of family life; issues are bound to arise.
My ex-husband saw his upbringing as idyllic and his parents’ marriage as flawless. This skewed perception created a significant rift between us. While I questioned decisions and voiced my disagreements, he found this challenging. He seemed to crave a partner who would conform, just as his mother had done, and passively accept whatever came our way.
My attempts to assert myself as an equal partner were often misconstrued as being “difficult.” His mother’s lack of assertiveness had effectively taught him that women should remain silent and comply, which created friction in our relationship. Despite my efforts to discuss these dynamics, he remained blind to the impact of his mother’s behavior on his views about marriage.
It’s crucial to note that while my ex-husband is responsible for his actions—such as having an affair instead of addressing our issues—his upbringing certainly influenced his approach to relationships. He struggled with my assertiveness, likely because he was conditioned to expect a submissive partner who mirrored his mother’s behavior.
When it came to our marriage, we had different expectations. I believed disagreements were a natural part of life, especially during significant changes like buying a house or raising children. However, he saw them as problems to be avoided. This led to a painful cycle where he would retreat, and I would attempt to pull him back.
No relationship is without its flaws, and I acknowledge my part in our marriage’s demise. Yet, I can’t help but attribute some of the challenges we faced to my former mother-in-law’s influence. She raised a son who believed that a wife should be subservient, and that women shouldn’t express their feelings. I want my children to learn a different lesson: that women are equals, deserving of respect and a voice.
I refuse to set an example for my daughter that tolerates discomfort to spare a man’s feelings. My ex-husband and I ultimately parted ways amicably because I wouldn’t compromise my need for equality in a partnership.
In the end, my former mother-in-law didn’t view marriage as a partnership of equals, which affected my ex-husband’s perception of our relationship. This isn’t the sole reason for our divorce, but I’m committed to modeling a healthier dynamic for my children, ensuring they understand the value of open communication and equality in their future relationships. When we know better, we do better.
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Summary
The author reflects on how her former mother-in-law’s traditional views on marriage and gender roles influenced her ex-husband’s behavior and ultimately contributed to their divorce. Acknowledging the complexities of their relationship, she expresses a desire to raise her children with a healthier understanding of equality and communication in partnerships.
Keyphrase: Mother-in-law divorce influence
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