We all have that one acquaintance who can turn any discussion into a saga about themselves. No matter the topic at hand—whether it’s the loss of a loved one, struggles with finding a babysitter, or the quest for a new jacket—they somehow find a way to make it about their own experiences.
You’re sharing a heartfelt story about a family member who passed away? Well, they just have to chime in with a tale of their own loss. Struggling to find a reliable babysitter? Prepare for an avalanche of their babysitting horror stories. Looking to upgrade your wardrobe? Suddenly, they need a new jacket too!
Conversations with people like this can be incredibly exasperating. It’s frustrating when you can’t get a word in edgewise. This tendency to dominate discussions is known as conversational narcissism, and, as you might have guessed, being labeled a “narcissist” isn’t exactly flattering.
So, how can you deal with a friend who exhibits this behavior? Or worse, what if that friend is—yikes—yourself?
The silver lining is that being a conversational narcissist doesn’t automatically make you a terrible person. Sociologist and author Jake Thompkins explains that this behavior often stems from the lack of social support in our culture. “People feel compelled to compete for attention,” Thompkins notes, “leading them to steer conversations back to their own narratives.”
It’s also a misguided attempt at empathy. When someone shares their struggles, our minds instinctively search for similar experiences to relate to. But just because your mind says, “Oh, I can relate because of that time my cat got lost,” doesn’t mean you should interrupt with that story.
I’ll confess: I often find myself falling into this trap. I’m the one who unintentionally commandeers conversations and drives everyone a little crazy. But let’s face it; we’ve all felt that urge to jump in and share our own thoughts while someone else is talking. Scientific research even supports this tendency—studies show that discussing ourselves can trigger the same pleasure centers in our brains as indulging in sex, delicious food, or even cocaine. Combine this natural inclination with a desire to show empathy, and you have a recipe for conversational chaos.
Now, let’s revisit the “narcissist” part. Even if it’s unintentional, conversational narcissism isn’t the way to win friends. So, what can we do to improve? Celeste Lane, a journalist and author, offers a brilliant solution in her insightful TED Talk titled “How a great conversation is like a game of catch.” According to Lane, a proper conversation should resemble a game of catch, where you balance talking and listening equally—50% each.
This seems straightforward, right? But what happens when your mind races with stories and you’re itching to share? Lane has advice for that too. She suggests using your anecdotes to gain a deeper understanding of what others are saying, then keeping quiet and truly listening. “Hold back on sharing every relatable experience,” she advises.
In short, for those of us who tend to dominate conversations, the solution is simple: take a step back, listen more, and remember that good conversation is a two-way street. Nobody enjoys a ball hog.
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Summary:
Conversational narcissism is the habit of steering discussions back to oneself, which can frustrate others. Understanding this behavior stems from a desire for attention and empathy can help us manage it. By balancing talking and listening, we can foster healthier conversations and strengthen our relationships.
Keyphrase: conversational narcissism
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