I’ll always remember our wedding day, a whirlwind of emotions and events. Flowers went missing, some of our closest friends were absent, and the weather couldn’t make up its mind—one moment it poured, the next we basked in warmth. Yet, in the midst of all that chaos, you were my anchor.
As I walked down the aisle, nothing else mattered but you. You’ve always been my rock, my center of gravity. But I can’t help but wonder if you still feel the same way about our vows:
To love and to cherish,
In good times and in bad,
Through wealth and scarcity,
In sickness and health,
As long as we both shall live.
Because, my love, these days are tough for me. I’m not at my best right now.
You knew when we embarked on this journey that there would be challenging moments. You’ve been by my side for 16 long years, witnessing my struggles with depression, and still, nothing can truly prepare either of us for how hard it can be to navigate this together. I am so very sorry for the burden it places on you.
Make no mistake: I don’t regret having depression. It’s an illness like any other, beyond my control. But I deeply regret how it affects you. I’m sorry for the trips I’ve spoiled, the dinner dates that ended prematurely, for the gatherings I’ve skipped, and for the times I crawled into bed long before you, choosing solitude over your company.
I apologize for the unprepared meals and the clutter that fills our home. I know you want to connect, to be intimate, but when you reach out, I often flinch. I feel shame, sadness, and fear, and while some of this is influenced by medication that dampens my desire, the core truth is that I struggle to feel deserving of joy.
In the darkest moments of my depression, I don’t believe I’m worthy of happiness. I’m sorry for my outbursts and the times my frustration has been directed at you. You’ve tried to be my support, and instead, I’ve pushed you away, convincing myself you’d be better off without me.
But please understand that my reactions stem from the pain of depression. It whispers lies to me, telling me I’m worthless and unlovable. Yet, I’m fighting. I’m in therapy, taking my medications, and putting in the effort to rise above this darkness.
While I know that loving me can be incredibly challenging, I humbly ask for your patience and kindness. I need you to listen even when I don’t make sense, to keep holding me close, even if I seem distant, and to forgive me for the emotional distance I create during these battles. Your unwavering love is my light in this storm, and I strive to overcome my struggles because of you.
After all these years, you are still my calm amid this tempest. I would gladly renew our vows today, and I hope you would too.
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In summary, I want to express my heartfelt apologies for the impact my depression has on our relationship. I’m committed to improving and fighting through this challenging time, and your love is what gives me the strength to keep going.
Keyphrase: “my depression makes me a difficult spouse”
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