Gratitude is a topic I’ve consciously chosen to sidestep this year. Perhaps it’s because I embody the stereotype of an “ugly American,” or maybe I’ve developed a sense of entitlement akin to today’s youth. As I glance around, I see so many others tackling this subject with great insight that I feel less inclined to add my voice.
For instance, my friend Mark shares profound thoughts on appreciating the struggles in life, while another friend, Lisa, discusses finding thankfulness amidst heartache in her piece, “Why You’re Wrong If You Think You’ll Never Be Satisfied.” Others have approached this sensitive topic with such care that I simply don’t feel the urge to contribute. I know I should feel grateful, yet I don’t find the need to articulate it.
A Moment of Realization
As I rummaged through the holiday decorations this year, I stumbled upon something I thought was lost forever. It had been years since I last saw it, and initially, my feelings were less than grateful. The ornament I found is an angel that carries dates I have long since despised. Little did I know, my husband had a similar aversion to it. Each year, he hides it away as soon as it’s unearthed, while I yearn to find it, to hold it, to reminisce. Most years, he beats me to it, but not this time. This year, I traced my fingers over the angel and was struck by a memory.
My eldest daughter often questions the significant gap between her age and that of her sister. Why did we wait so long for baby number two? The truth is, baby number two is not just a second child—she is actually baby number six. One year, when my daughter was old enough to grasp the concept, I explained that she has more siblings in heaven than she has here on Earth. Three little ones have already gone ahead of us, waiting for the day we reunite. Yet, as I examined the ornament this year, I realized I had overlooked one of them.
The Forgotten Ones
The ornament tag displays four dates. How could I forget? How could a mother lose sight of her child? My mind raced as I explained to my daughter that there were three siblings between her and her sister. That was accurate, but the tag reminded me of a fourth. Which baby slipped my mind? 2008 was particularly hard for us; we lost two during that year.
Twice in November, just before Thanksgiving, we found ourselves in the hospital, losing lives we should have been celebrating. I vividly remember one who had normal chromosomes, with doctors convinced we should have been holding her. The others had defects, leaving us wondering if we would only hold them for moments. The reality is there were four babies we will never see. The dates are etched clearly on that card, and as tears welled up, I crumbled. My eldest wrapped her arms around me from behind and said, “Oh, Mommy.” I assured her it wasn’t intentional. How can a mother forget? We wanted each of them just as much as we wanted her and her sister. She held me tighter.
Finding Gratitude in Perspective
I don’t take comfort in the pain or loss; it still weighs heavily on me. However, I do find gratitude in a renewed perspective. Our youngest is about to celebrate her birthday in November, a joyful reminder after so much sorrow. Due to various reasons after her birth, we decided not to have any more children. No more injections, no more uncertainty about whether we would carry to term. Her arrival allowed us to breathe again and be thankful for life. Her presence signifies that we can release the shadow of death that lingered over us.
We honor the memories of our lost children, but as my husband reminds me, “They’re in heaven. The two who matter most are here with us.” For this, I am profoundly grateful.
In conclusion, it’s okay to navigate through feelings of gratitude in our own way. If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination and fertility, check out resources like this one, or consider insights from these experts on boosting fertility. For comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
Summary
Reflecting on gratitude can reveal unexpected emotions and memories. As a mother, the struggle to remember lost children can weigh heavily, but finding joy in the present can help navigate loss. It’s essential to honor our journeys while embracing the lives we hold dear.
Keyphrase: gratitude in motherhood
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