When you become a parent, they make sure to alert you about postpartum depression, which impacts about 15% of new mothers. They discuss the baby blues, with 70–80% of moms experiencing some negative feelings or mood swings after childbirth, as noted by the American Pregnancy Association. There’s also growing awareness around postpartum anxiety, affecting around 10% of mothers. We know to expect exhaustion and stress, and we nod our heads in agreement.
But nobody prepares us for the rage.
Maybe you felt it right from the start. Your baby was fed, changed, and cozy, yet they continued to wail uncontrollably. As you held them close, an intense anger began to bubble up within you. You might have even understood how someone could shake a baby. The shame floods in because deep down you know your little one didn’t intend to hurt you, and you could never harm this cherished soul.
Or perhaps you managed to avoid this feeling during the infant months, only for it to rear its head during the toddler phase. When your child throws a tantrum over trivial matters or creates annoying sounds, something within you snaps, and a wave of ugly, furious energy surges. You might find yourself yelling, stomping, or mirroring the behaviors you witnessed growing up. In that moment, the shame sets in. You want to retreat into yourself, grappling with a part of you that you never knew existed. After all, you’ve never considered yourself an angry person.
I certainly didn’t view myself as angry—at least, not before kids. Before parenthood, I rarely raised my voice, except when scolding the dogs for snatching food off my plate. Sure, I had moments of irritation, but nothing compared to the pure, raw anger that surfaced after my son repeatedly asked for more glow sticks at Target or refused to wear the outfit I had chosen. His typical childhood behavior, which was inconvenient for me, sent me over the edge.
Some individuals are adept at managing their anger. My partner, for instance, has an incredible ability to maintain composure, even when his rage simmers beneath the surface. He can calmly respond, albeit tersely, while I often find my emotions spilling over uncontrollably. I see the looks on my children’s faces and feel a wave of shame wash over me, realizing that I’m inflicting this on the very beings I vowed to protect. If someone else treated them this way, I would turn into a fierce mama bear, yet here I am, doing the same.
The shame accompanying this rage is profound. It makes you feel like the worst parent imaginable. If you grew up in a household where yelling was common—like I did—you likely swore you would be different. You placed your hands on your baby bump and promised that your child would never feel the anger you experienced. Now, you feel like you’ve let both your child and yourself down. You might apologize to your kids, but it never seems sufficient.
You vow to never yell again. You might tell them so as they gaze at you with innocent eyes, saying, “I’ll do my best not to yell again.” You hug them tightly, wishing to collapse against their small bodies and weep because you know that controlling your rage is a daunting task. When it strikes again, it happens so fast that you’re often reacting before you even realize it.
I long for an abundance of patience and the gentle demeanor of a preschool teacher. I wish I could mediate conflicts and enforce discipline with quiet kindness. Maybe I can for a day or two, but then life takes its toll, and I snap. I wish I didn’t have to feel ashamed of my emotions. There are those who experience this rage but seem to have mastered it. I want to emulate their calm.
No one prepares us for the rage we might experience. Nor do they prepare us for the extraordinary patience we will require. We are still learning, and it’s undeniably one of the hardest journeys I’ve ever undertaken. But I will keep showing up, and so will you.
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Summary:
Parenthood is often accompanied by unexpected feelings of rage, which many do not discuss. This article explores the shame and anger that can arise when faced with the challenges of parenting, particularly during the early years and toddler phase. It emphasizes the importance of patience and acknowledges the ongoing struggle of managing emotions while raising children.
Keyphrase: Parenting rage
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