Updated: Jan. 28, 2021
Originally Published: November 18, 2017
As my family arrives at a friend’s house, we’re greeted with warmth. I say, “Hi!” while my teenage and preteen daughters cheerfully respond with “Hello!” and “Good morning!” Our 7-year-old son, however, slips in quietly, offering no greeting at all.
My friend calls out his name and asks how he’s doing. He takes off his shoes and then turns to me with a completely unrelated question, ignoring the friendly exchange. “She just said ‘hello’ to you, buddy,” I prompt gently. He mumbles a quick “hi,” barely making eye contact, before darting off into the house.
I can only imagine what onlookers think. “How rude!” they might say. “Hasn’t anyone taught him manners?” But the truth is, we have instilled courtesy in our kids; the reality is that my son, like his sisters at that age, is merely shy. This shyness can often be mistaken for rudeness, especially by those who have never experienced it.
As someone who has long since outgrown my shyness, I recognize how it feels to be in my son’s shoes. If you’ve never been painfully shy, it’s hard to comprehend the anxiety that comes with it. Imagine being thrust onto a stage in front of an audience, unprepared and exposed. That’s what it feels like for a shy child when someone engages them and expects a response. The racing heart, flushed cheeks, and the sudden inability to speak can be overwhelming.
In public, shy kids are masters of masking their discomfort. They’re often so focused on appearing composed that their perceived rudeness can be amplified by their struggle to engage. A timid “hi” may be all they can muster, and even that feels like a monumental task. They may avoid eye contact, fidget, or even retreat behind a parent’s leg—anything to escape the pressure of interaction.
It may seem dramatic to outsiders, but for a shy child, these moments are fraught with internal turmoil. They might be hyperaware of their surroundings, needing time to acclimate before they feel ready to engage socially. The truth is, when a shy child appears to ignore someone, they’re not; they’re simply grappling with their own feelings of discomfort.
I can’t pinpoint the cause of shyness—perhaps it’s a mild form of social anxiety or an acute sensitivity to social dynamics. I’ve experienced it myself, but eventually, with practice and gentle encouragement, I found my voice. I realized that being shy was far more uncomfortable than being outgoing, yet it took me until my tween years to fully overcome it.
My daughters have largely moved past their shyness, so I’m hopeful our son will too. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was the freedom to be shy without shame, which helped me overcome it in my own time. My husband and I take a similar approach with our kids. We emphasize the importance of responding when spoken to, while also showing understanding when they struggle. We practice making eye contact and using confident body language, as shy kids often instinctively look down.
Our children beam with pride when they manage to introduce themselves with confidence, but it doesn’t always go smoothly. Some days are harder than others, and overcoming shyness is a journey that takes time and practice.
To support shy kids, whether you fully grasp their shyness or not, it’s essential to avoid putting them on the spot. A simple smile and a friendly acknowledgment can go a long way—try saying, “It’s great to see you!” instead of asking them how they are. Most importantly, don’t take their lack of interaction personally; it’s not a reflection of their manners.
Please don’t label shy kids as impolite or ill-mannered. As a shy child who craved approval, that label would have been devastating. Understanding the effort it takes for some children to engage—like making eye contact and saying “hi”—can shift your perspective. They’re not being rude; they’re simply navigating their shyness.
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Summary
My son’s shyness may be mistaken for rudeness, but it’s simply a struggle with social interaction. Recognizing the internal challenges shy children face is vital for understanding their behavior. Providing a supportive environment allows them to flourish at their own pace.
Keyphrase: Shyness in Children
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