November 11, 2017
This morning, as I was about to head out the door, my 3-year-old snatched a tangerine from the kitchen table and took it to my husband. I was busy packing my bag and preparing to leave for work when I overheard him say, “Go ask your mom.” If I had been in the kitchen, that might have made sense. But I wasn’t; I was fully dressed and ready to head to the office.
“Go ask your mom.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that phrase from a man, I could buy a small island and call it “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN.”
Growing up, I can’t recall a single instance when my dad made a decision without deferring to my mom. If she wasn’t around, I’d have to call her. If she was unavailable and it wasn’t an emergency, I had to wait until she returned. And if it was “urgent” (like, “Dad, can I ride my bike to Sally’s house?”), he’d reluctantly give me the green light, but with a caveat: I had to check in with Mom as soon as I could.
Mom was the one who coordinated everything: doctor’s appointments, vet visits, orthodontist consultations, and even haircuts. She organized our schedules, from conferences to volleyball matches, from track meets to music competitions. She was the backbone of our family, managing tasks like laundry, meal planning, and ensuring we were as content as possible—all while working a full-time job.
If she felt even a fraction of the frustration I do when Dad tells the kids to “go ask your mom,” she hid it well. She made it look effortless. But I’m not that mom.
Why do dads default to the “go ask your mom” response? What are they really thinking? Are they trying to be helpful? Should we feel flattered or insulted? Are we partly to blame? Did they grow up this way too?
It’s tough to pinpoint, but I’ve come up with a few theories:
- Your time is more valuable than mine.
Let’s revisit the tangerine incident for a moment. I was rushing out the door to make it to work on time, while my husband was hurriedly getting dressed after oversleeping. He may not have realized the implications of his words; maybe it was a reflex. I understand he didn’t have time to peel the orange and chat with our little one, but apparently, I did. Sure, send the kid my way—because I definitely don’t have anything important to do. - You’ve become utterly dependent on me.
Are you following a flowchart that always leads to “Go ask your mom”? Have I managed our household so seamlessly that you’ve completely turned off your brain when our kids come to you? Instead of thinking through the request (like peeling that tangerine), you immediately redirect them to me. Seriously, you don’t need a degree to handle this. You can step in anytime. - Maybe I’m a scary monster.
Sometimes, after hearing my husband tell our kids to “go ask mom” multiple times in a single hour, I wonder if I’m somehow a terrifying figure—like a Demogorgon from Stranger Things—only he can see. If I were a fearsome creature, I too would avoid drawing attention to myself. Toddlers, on the other hand, excel at making themselves known. - You think you’re empowering me?
When I brought this up to a friend, she suggested that it actually shows I hold all the power. What it really reveals is that I bear all the responsibility. Power isn’t about deciding what the kids eat or whether they get to leave without a coat. That’s merely responsibility. There’s no power dynamic here, just two partners. While some may think giving one person 99% of the responsibility is empowering, it’s really not. So, thanks, but please stop.
For more tips on family dynamics, check out this excellent resource on fertility treatment from March of Dimes. And if you’re considering home insemination, you might find these kits helpful: the At-Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit and the Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit Combo are great options.
In summary, while dads may think they’re giving us the power, it often feels like they’re just passing the buck, leaving us to handle the heavy lifting.
Keyphrase: “parenting dynamics”
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